Foundations, by liz

Foundations of the Leather Lifestyle:

Honor, Respect and Integrity…

from a bottom’s perspective

By liz 2003

My name is liz and I have been in the lifestyle for a little over 20 years. I identify as a bottom, sub, occasional brat, and slave whenI am collared. ( I am going to use the terms Top and bottom loosely throughout this presentation, but they should be interpreted as Master/slave, Dominant/submissive Daddy/girl or boy or boi, etc. I just don’t want to have to list all the possibilities and this will simplify things I hope). Until April 2002, I was collared and married to a Stone Butch Top for 8 years and served as Hys bottom, sub, and slave. In September 2002, I decided to try looking for a new Top aka dating in the lifestyle. During my many months of searching and exploring, I encountered an amazing lack of honor, respect, and integrity in the scene. I discussed this with a couple of Tops that were serving as mentors and a support system for me and it was suggested that I develop a workshop to try to teach some of the values I found sorely lacking in today’s scene. That is not to say no one in the scene has honor, respect, or integrity. There are many folks that do live by these values. I just think that there are many who need to learn them, and that these values are important enough to be passed on.

When I first came into the scene in NYC…. several concepts were stressed to me over and over: particularly Respect, Honor, and Integrity. In today’s scene, I see many workshops on play skills and techniques. Newcomers into the scene can learn how to cane better, how to swing a single-tail, or how to do fancy Florentine flogging techniques. However, I have not seen anyone teach a workshop on the principles that to me were the very pillars of the leather community and this saddens me.

To teach people how to use “toys” to engage in S&M play without teaching Honor, Respect and Integrity is a grave mistake. Guy Baldwin addressed the importance of desirable values such as, “honesty, reliability, integrity, generosity and trustworthiness, responsibility” in his Leather restoration speeches (presented at the leather leadership conference in April 2002 and at South Plains Leather Fest in March 2003). He notes in the first Leather Restoration speech that things such as “that love, intimacy, honesty, intensity, accountability, family, and self-challenge are much more important than achieving pin-point accuracy with every single whip-stroke.” He goes on to note in the second Leather Restoration speech that when “BDSM skills are used without the guidance of good character and love, trouble is the inevitable result.”

Jack Rinella addresses the importance of three traditional values in the “Kinky Values” chapter of his new book on D/s relationships, Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships. Jack notes that he believes that “values lie at the heart of what we do.” We need to remember that what we do impacts the whole of the persons involved. Play is not (or should not be) just about inflicting or experiencing surface pain. People’s physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects are all involved. Involving all aspects in play is what makes things so magical; however, we must be aware that the potential to cause harm is also there. That is why foundation values are so important to our lifestyle.

So, lets define these values that I have been talking about….I am going to define them first, and then we can open it up to discussion. I will note before I start that one’s religious beliefs and/or spirituality often plays a key role in the values that one believes are important.

Honor: Acting in ways that will reflect positively on one’s self and one’s Top and/or will makes one’s bottom proud to be serving You. Honor means you fulfill the responsibilities of the role you have taken on. For example… as a sub/slave if you are given a list of things to do… you try to do them all to the best of your ability. If You are a Top… You provide aftercare for Your bottom after a scene unless other arrangements have been negotiated. As a Switch… it means that you do not suddenly drop your bottom without warning to go bottom for your Top. This is about doing the right thing, even if it means some self-sacrifice.

Respect: Many people think this is just about saying Yes Sir or Yes Ma’am at the appropriate time… or kneeling. These are protocol and signs of respect, but respect is a lot more than just protocols. Respect involves paying attention and reading the person you are serving or dominating, Topping or bottoming to. Master Hines talked about this in his flogging workshop at the Folsom Fringe 2003, noting that those we play with are people… not objects… and that since play affects the whole person… we need to pay attention to the whole person. Respect is not just something bottoms have for their Tops… it goes both ways. First though, in order to have respect for another… one must have respect for one’s self. The first step is to get to know yourself and to be able to communicate honestly and openly who you are. This goes for all from the newbie unsure of how she/he fits into the scene to the veteran Top with 25 or more years in the lifestyle. Know that it is ok to be you, whatever your role and experience. To lie to others about who you are is to show a lack of respect for yourself and for the other person.

Integrity: Being consistent and following through on what one says one will and can do. Being who one says one is. The ability to act honorably and respectfully over time. Jack Rinella notes in his definition of trust in the Kinky Values chapter of Partners in Power that trust “first has to do with the integrity of the individual.” Integrity fosters trust. Trust is very important in our lifestyle in that it is so important to the power/energy exchange that makes our play so magical. Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary lists honesty under its definitions of integrity. We can not have integrity if we are not honest. We can not be honest if we do not know who we are, and therefore can not have integrity if we do not know ourselves.

So, how do we start to learn these values?
We get to know ourselves, who we are, how we act in certain situations, what we like and what we don’t like, what our limits are, what are our strengths, our fears, what we want and what we don’t want, etc. A bottom who mentored me when I first came into the lifestyle once told me that one of the most important steps to becoming a good bottom was to know myself. I’m sure this applies to Tops and switches as well. Jack Rinella devotes a whole chapter to the issue of knowing oneself in “Partners in Power”. He notes that the journey of leather exploration is “ultimately one of self-exploration. In your self exploration, it is important to be honest. Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, in The New Bottoming Book, note in the section titled , Who are you?, that “Honesty with yourself is a prerequisite to honesty with others.” There are a myriad of ways to learn about ourselves. We can learn through introspection, through living life, through journaling, through watching others, through feedback, by taking various psychological tests that focus on personality or interests, and by reading, among other ways. In learning yourself, you need to come to a place of self acceptance and self love. If you don’t love yourself, make changes and become somebody that you can live with and love. That means the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your light side and dark side. Your strengths and your weaknesses. Your talents and faults. Your capabilities and limitations. What you want and need. We essentially need to become an instructional manual for ourselves, so that we can communicate who we are, what we want, and what we are capable of to others. So we can tell them what it means when we act a certain way, how to read our body language during a scene, where our head is at, how to make us feel good or feel loved, etc. This brings me to my next step.


We are honest. Honest communication with others is vital to establishing trust and is a sign of respect. Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy note in The New Bottoming Book that if “you are not honest with yourself and others, you can not be a good S/M player.” One of the greatest strength of lifestyle relationships, whether they be a one night stand or a lifetime commitment is our emphasis on communication. We place a lot of emphasis on negotiation and delineating expectations either verbally or in writing. One of the things I love most about lifestyle relationships are our contracts and negotiations. These can be used as tools to delineate and define the structure, expectations, and protocol of the relationship. As a bottom, this lets me know how I should act to act honorably and what will happen in a given situation depending on how I act. It provides me with a sense of stability and makes me feel safe. In the beginning, I find it best if things are in writing, but often over time there are rules that become unspoken or unwritten, but are know by both parties. Regardless, it still helps to make time for continuous communication between partners. Communication should take place on an ongoing basis in longer relationships and should take place before, during, and after play. Midori, in her June 17, 2003 e-newsletter “Midori’s Musings” published an essay called Aftercare: Healing Better to Play Harder , which focuses on the importance of communication during aftercare. She recommends a check-up call a day or two after play. This is a good time to gain feedback for self-exploration, as well as touch base to see if everything is okay or not. Good honest communication shows good character. To be dishonest is to be disrespectful, dishonorable, and shows a lack of integrity. Good communication involves not only talking but listening. This brings me to step number three.

3. We look, listen, and learn. Paying Attention is important in maintaining and deepening the energy exchange between partners and in providing good service or good play. Paying attention demonstrates respect. This can include watching, listening, and sensing among other things. Paying attention may include watching body language, facial expressions, listening to words, sounds, or breathing, and sensing energies through use of the six senses (taste, smell, touch, sight, hearing, and intuition.), and paying attention to one’s own feelings, actions, and reactions. All the senses can be improved upon through exercises and play. Paying attention can also help to increase knowledge of each other between partners and improve one’s sixth sense. There are many exercises that can help improve sensory awareness. One exercise I have always loved involves the bottom being tied up and just being explored all over by the Top. Both can learn from this experience. Another exercise I like involves aligning breathing with both partners eyes closed and then opening eyes and maintaining eye contact while breathing in sync with each other. . This can be a very powerful experience Another exercise actually involves something I learned in an improvisational dance class. Put on some music and both partners touch only one finger tip of the other partner and begin to dance while maintaining the body contact. The sixth sense can also be enhanced by developing one’s spirituality.

We explore our spiritual side. Developing one’s spirituality can help strengthen one’s value system. Spirituality itself is difficult to define. This may be due in part to the fact that one’s spirituality is a very subjective thing. Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary notes that one’s spirit as 1.“the animating principle of life, especially of humans; vital essence. 2. the incorporeal part of humans, as the mind or soul. Spirituality is often tied to religious beliefs, although it need not necessarily be. Often; however, one’s spirituality draws from a set of religious beliefs, or various sets of religious beliefs to become more individualized. Webster’s goes on to define religion as “a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe…… and often containing a code of conduct for human affairs. However, spirituality need not come from religion, and religion need not involve spirituality. To quote Master Steve Sampson, "Religion is man's way of reaching Deity. Spirituality is Deity's way of reaching man." From our spiritual belief system comes our values…values such as Honor, Respect, and Integrity, among others.

Someone asked me after reading this why I didn’t include love and devotion in my list of values. First, this short list of values is not by any means all inclusive, but these three values were stressed to me when I first came into the scene, and so I think they are a good foundation for other values. Second, love and devotion are not values, but actions and although both are preferable at least for me in a BDSM relationship, they are not necessary to having one and are definitely not required in short term encounters. One can play with or serve someone with loving them or without being devoted to them.

When the Hebrews were asked by Hashem
if they would accept the Torah they responded,
"Na'aseh V'Nishma",
we will do and we will hear.



The ultimate form of submission
is to be willing to do the bidding
of one's Master with trust
before receiving instructions.

Thoughts on Slavery from a Master

Modern Slaves in Modern Chains

Part of the problem is the double meaning to the word slave in our lifestyle. One meaning comes from folks who, in my opinion, spend way too much time reading porn and John Norman. Their concept of a slave is someone who is so lacking in willpower and a sense of self-worth as to be unable to say no. Someone whose service revolves around and is defined by sex. These folks think of a slave as simply "a submissive" who is "extra submissive" and is able to be submissive more deeply and more often.

In this meaning, the term slave is pretty much a component of a long term verbal humiliation scene. If that definition works for you, more power to you. It doesn't work for me.
The other meaning is someone who chooses a path of service and voluntary surrender to another's will. The use of the term slave, while still pushing sexual buttons, is more about signifying a voluntary abrogation of self, sublimating one's own ego in selfless service to another. It is an honorable path, and one which takes some real character and strength of soul. And not everyone who walks that path is inherantly submissive. I know many slaves who tend to have some real dominant elements to their personalities. You need to have clearly in your head what you mean by "slave" before expounding at length upon what it takes to be a slave or what a slave's needs are.


I have heard many a bottom say, "I am a slave, so do what you want to me sexually" while at the same time, having no desire, skill or willingness to serve in other areas. That ain't a slave as I use the term.
Anyway, in terms of needs, I am going to be a bit over the top right now. Sorry if I end up insulting anyone. Everyone has needs, only an idiot would try to deny that. Even slaves are human first (a saying shamelessly swiped from Darkmoon's amy, who recently said that at a MAsT meeting). All humans have needs.
Maslow (a well known psychologist) developed a principle called a hierarchy of needs wherein he postulated that in order for higher level needs to be met, all lower level needs must first be met. The lowest level of needs are pure physical needs like air, water, food, sleep. Until these physical needs are met, nobody can worry about anything else for long. The second level of needs revolve around a need for security. My girl can not move on to the next level of needs until she knows she is safe, whether that be safe from me kicking her out on the street without reason or cause, or making sure her medical needs are met. Now faith in me, or me moving property into her name in the event I croak can meet the that same need differently, but one way or the other it needs to be met.

Next up the ladder are needs related to interactions with others, such as a need for love, group membership or friendship. Then come internalized needs related to esteem. Then come the highest level of needs, related to self-actualization, things like meaning and truth. Every human being has these needs and, while few achieve a state of self-actualization, it should be every human being's goal.


More to the point, it should be the goal of every master to steward and nurture his property so as to help them reach such a place. Any master who ignores a slave's needs or denies that a slave has needs is either an idiot or, more likely, selfishly concerned about themselves rather than their slave.


Conrad,Southwest Master 2006

Links~ Web Sites of Note

Masterism vs. Sadism
GREAT , funny article from an old friend, teacher, Sadist, Martial Arts expert, and MAsT Host 5th Angel:

http://www.artofbdsm.com/masterismvssadism.htm


The Qualities of a Realized Master

The ever articulate and fascinating Master Skip Chasey writes a short list of what he feels are important traits for those in charge.


http://www.mastertaino.com/Qualities_of_a_Master.htm


Master, Daddy, Friend and Lover:

A Cross Racial Perspective on Mastery and Slavery Memoir

http://www.leatherweb.com/mdfl.htm

Jack Rinella and Activisim in our Times

From one of our favorite kinky folks-
Thursday, March 02, 2006

Institutions
By Jack Rinella

I write this column with fear and trepidation wondering if I will end up sounding like an old fart asking “What’s the matter with kids today?” I also fear that institutions inevitably lead to bureaucracies, giving a double whammy to my doubt. On the other hand my study of Gay Liberation in the Chicago demonstrates that freedom demands the establishment of organizations to bring it to fruition and the continuance of those organizations to keep it alive and foster its growth.

Several years ago I spent considerable time researching Gay Liberation in Chicago, amassing a large amount of primary documents and interviewing more than 200 men and woman who had been part of the process.

Today we Gay Chicagoans take the liberties that we enjoy practically for granted. We know that politicians will support us, the police won’t unduly hassle us, that our openly Gay alderman will speak out on our behalf as will our openly Gay state legislator. We know that there are laws to protect our right to a job and an apartment and that many of our significant others can have access to the benefits we earn at work. In a city where even a popular mayor needs to assure himself of a majority vote, our ten percent of the voting population makes a noticeable difference.

We’ve come a long way since 1924. In fact we’ve come a long way since the sixties, when men were arrested for dancing with each other, for wearing woman’s clothing, and for kissing in public. We’ve come a long way since a Federal employee was fired for being a homosexual. A long way, yes, and one might say we still have a long way to go.

The Leather community, on the other hand, has barely started on its way to living openly and freely. I’m not saying that Leather men and women don’t enjoy some or all of the benefits that Gay Lib won, I am just noting that thousands of Het alternative lifestylers are deeply in the closet as are many Leather folk when it comes to their kink. They remain in those closets because they fear the cost of being public, a cost that one cannot deny.

My study of history demonstrates that there was (and is) no single way to gain one’s freedom. It also shows that building institutions that promote the good of the community, sets that community free. Allow me to reflect on that history, albeit very briefly.

The first glimmer of a movement was in 1924 when Henry Gerber and two friends established the Society of Human Rights in Chicago. Lasting less than six months, it was short-lived to say the least, closed down by the police -- and as far as I can tell, all they did was publish a newsletter.

The real first step towards institutionalization was the Gay bar. Originally Mafia-run or controlled, in the 50’s Gay bars began to be owned by Gay men, The Haig opening in 1952, the Gold Coast being taken over by Chuck Renslow et. al., in 1958. The bar, then, became a place for the community, in all its nuances to meet publicly. At the same time there arose nascent Gay publishing ventures such as Kris Studios and Tomorrow’s Man.

Then came, in 1954, the attempted founding of another organization for the rights of homosexuals, The Mattachine Society. In 1964 One of Chicago was formed, a similar civil rights organization. In 1965, the second attempt to establish a Mattachine Society Chapter was successful. In the meantime there was a quiet but growing militancy among Gays across the country. In Chicago, Bruce Scott filed suit against the Federal Civil Service in an attempt to overthrow homosexuality as grounds for non-promotion. In much of this history you will see that court proceedings, particularly where Gays stood up for their rights, led to increased liberty, as when Chuck Renslow fought charges of obscenity concerning his photography, rather than just pleading guilty.

The mid sixties in Chicago saw the establishment of Gay motorcycle clubs. In Oct of 1966 Mattachine Society members appeared publicly on the Jerry Williams Show, ran newspaper advertising, and distributed leaflets. Protests were lodged against the Daily News and the Sun Times for their refusal to run the ads.

All this, please note, was before the Stonewall Riots of 1969. That year, of course, and the year after saw a great leap forward as student organizations were formed at the University of Chicago and at Roosevelt University. Two other groups, the Homophile Liberation Alliance and the North Side Gay Liberation were also established. These groups produced reading materials, held discussion groups affirming themselves and one another, and staged various protests and picket lines to draw attention to their goals.

They picketed, for instance, the Normandy, a Gay bar, to allow same sex dancing. In less than a month they had won the right.

In 1970 Chicago’s Good Shepherd Parish/Metropolitan Community Church was founded and the First Gay Pride Parade was held. In 1971 there began the Chicago Hellfire Club, the Chicago Knights, and the Chicago Gay Pride, the city's first Gay paper, as did the First Annual Toys for Tots. In 1972 activists began moving into politics, running for various offices, and working within the Democratic Party.

In the ensuing years, the list goes on: the first leather contest at The Gold Coast, Gay Horizons, a counseling center, and Gay Medical Students met for the first time. Michael Bergeron began to publish The Chicago Gay Crusader. Activists demonstrated against NBC and Gillette. A Gay VD clinic was opened by Gay Horizons and the Chicago Gay Medical Students Association. Lincoln Park Lagooners (a sporting group) was formed. The Alliance to End Repression formed a task force on Gay Rights. The first copy of Gay Chicago Magazine was published. The Howard Brown Memorial Clinic became a separate organization. Two Lesbians began a marriage sit-in at County Clerks office. A Gay Rights Bill was introduced to House of Representatives in Springfield. The Gay Tavern Guild was organized. The Chicago Chapter of the Gay Academic Union was formed, Sudbery, Ash, &Blaisdell founded MAFIA and some 800 people formed the Greater Chicago Gay &Lesbian Democrats. For a fuller listing visit my website at http://leatherviews.c.topica.com/maaeyAVaboMppa8jIGib/

Each of these historical events could be a column of its own. Each was an important, even if short-lived step, in gaining liberty for Gay men and women. Each participated in its own way -- some through picketing and protests, others through community building, some only offered their constituents a chance to learn that they were healthy and could be happy, that they weren’t alone. Some worked within the system, some outside of it, some quietly, some boisterously. Each contributed.

Where, I ask, are our activist, our educational, our medical, and our therapeutic organizations? Where are our publications, our speakers’ bureaus, our vendor guilds, our national organization of event producers? When are we going to have our own banks, our own credit card system, our caucuses in the Democratic and Republican parties, in legal, psychiatric, medical, and teachers’ organizations?

When will we have the wherewithal to picket the churches that picket us?

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at “http://www.LeatherViews.com”. Copyright 2006 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.