Role Models

Role Models

by Ben, N.C.Master

I have heard it said many times that the people we surround ourselves with influence our lives and our behaviors. Even as a kid, I remember being told, “if you lay down with dogs, you will get up with fleas”. It is a common sense kinda thing, but all too often we as individuals do not practice what we know. Each of us should evaluate what we practice and evaluate if our practices are in line with our goals.

Often in the BDSM community we find people that are searching for their perfect mate and bemoaning the fact that they just can’t seem to find the right one. Perhaps, we are looking in the wrong places and our search involves the wrong people. I have noticed people in the community that seem to go from one relationship to another without success and constantly having to deal with issues and problems.

It is My belief that we should have a personal plan and specific strategies to help us reach our goals. First, one must take care of any personal issues that may exist. Things like personal health, financial stability, and mental stability are important. Only when a person has their personal issues under control can they actually succeed in a relationship with others. Once these issues are in order, you need to clearly define what it is that you seek in a partner. The qualities and characteristics you seek should match yours in areas of morality, core values, sense of right and wrong, and attitude toward responsibilities.

Once you understand what you seek, then you should begin to cultivate friendships with people that share these values and traits. Look first for friends that you would enjoy spending time with even outside of the kink community. These friends do not have to be potential partners, just friends. This association with people that have the traits you seek will most often have other friends with similar traits, so your network grows. Also try to find people in stable, successful relationships that are of the nature you seek. Spend time with them and notice how they interact with each other. Use them as your model. Learn how they cultivate behaviors that are healthy for their relationship. Watch what they do in those times when the world is not watching.

Finding people in good relationships and using them as your model is a very good way to learn how a relationship works. It also increases your potential through networking to meet others that share your values that may become partners. As I think about our closest friends, I realize that we have surrounded ourselves with people that are in very successful D/s based relationships and people that are single but looking for the same thing. We become what we do each day.