TPE

What is TPE and how does it differentiate from a D/s relationship

By missy

Disclaimer: these thoughts and definitions are solely mine, and is by no means any "official" definition of TPE. All TPE relationships are unique, and as different from another as any vanilla relationship. I find, however, that there are some similarities. Also, since Leo and I are male Dom/fem sub, I find it natural to use "He" for the Dom and "She" for the sub. Gender is of course not an issue in a TPE relationship. It is just that I am lazy.

It is rather interesting to me, pretty new to the world of BDSM to discover how hostile most people within this sexual orientation is when they are dealing with the odd relationship that is called TPE. Since living in a TPE relationship has come so natural for me, I don’t quite see the "threat" that most people here see in it. And to be honest, one of the first things I read online was the "9 levels of submission" (frown, - more about that in another piece), I could not understand why the author found the 9th level so impossible. I do understand, though that a TPE relationship is not for everyone. Neither do I say that a TPE relationship is "better" then other D/s relationship. What I do say, though, is that it is a totally different ballgame.

So, what is TPE (Total Power Exchange).
Well, the name says it, really. It means Total, as opposed to partial. It means that the submissive has given herself to her solemate, the Dom. Body, mind and soul. Without restrictions. The Dom on his side has taken on this huge responsibility. He owns her submissive. So, how does this mindset make a TPE relationship different from a D/s relationship? I will mostly use Leo and me in the examples here, because I know our relationship better than others.

It is a lifelong commitment.
TPE couples commit for life. Death of one of the partners it the only "way out" of the relationship. Most TPE couples I know of are in this for life. When Leo and I got married I promised to Love, honor and obey him till death do us part. To the people present, it was just like any other wedding. Nothing very unusual with the vows, except maybe the "obey" part.

Leo and I take our vows literally.

The submissive cannot leave the relationship.
She has given herself to her Dom, and handed over also the power to end a relationship. And since they are committing for life, there are really no way out for the submissive. She cannot leave.

This is one of the parts that makes most people cringe when they are talking about a TPE relationship. Their argument "you can leave if you want to", is of course valid in the sense that I can walk out the door if I should be stricken by insanity. However, Leo would come after me and bring me home. That is his right. Most TPE couples create an environment where practical actions support this "unable to leave" decision that the couples made when they entered their relationship.

In our case there are a couple of things. I do not have a job outside our home. Consequently I do not have any money of my own. When I need money for some reason, I have to ask Leo for them, and he will give them to me. If I get change after my purchase, I am to give that back to him. I don’t have a car, so I can’t go anywhere other than by foot, and there is no public transportation around. So even if I should suddenly turn insane and would want to leave, that would be very difficult.

I know that for most people this sounds like prison. But what you must have in mind, is that it is a prison that I want to be in. The practical issues are there to support that wish, - for both of us. I think of this as a mindset that I share with other very committed people like nuns and monks. (the comparison ends there! LOL). I have found that over time the thought of leaving becomes more and more distant. It is simply not an issue. Just like any other property of Leo’s I am just here. Just as his car cannot drive off on its own, I cannot walk out of Leo’s control.

There is no contract.
Looking around on the net, most D/s gurus tell you to negotiate a contract before you establish a 24/7 D/s relationship. There has to be a contract to "regulate" the dos and don’ts. In a partial relationship it seems logical that there is a need for a contract. Are there areas between the two persons that are held outside Domination/submission. Children, maybe or the submissive’s outside job? Is there a time frame in the relationship? Does the power exchange only apply to the bedroom?

In a TPE relationship a contract is meaningless. The submissive has already given all of herself to her Dom. There is no reason to narrow the areas of his power over her. He has all the power. She has none. There is no reason to put that on a piece of paper.

The only piece of paper we have are our wedding vows and the vows we gave each other, when I was collared 6 months after our wedding.

There are no rules.
When we established our TPE relationship, we tried to gather as much information as we could about "how to do it right". Everybody said that we needed rules. We tried, seriously. We wrote down a lot of suggestions that we felt might suit us. But in the end we found it a waste of paper. Because Leo has the ultimate say. If he tells me to go and dye my hair purple, that is what I am going to do. His decisions about me does not often go into details like what to wear, when to go to the bathroom and daily routines like that. But if for some reason he wants to, he can make all my "small decisions" as well. That is his right.

Mostly he will draw the big lines. In the example of hairdo, I know that he prefers me to have short cut hair, and it is up to me to figure out when I need a haircut or other hair treatment. When I think it is time to do my hair, I will ask him if I can make an appointment with my hairdresser, and ask him for the money for it.

As for the even bigger picture, Leo decides how I prioritize my days, - how I should use our time, and when I am permitted to leave the house. He has decided that I will not have an "outside" job for the time being, I have no money of my own and I don’t have a car. Most people would call this being imprisoned. And most people don’t see the fact that this is a life I thrive in.

There is no safeword.
To my surprise I found that people get really offended when they hear that I do not have a safeword. I don’t even understand the concept of a safeword. I would feel that I had the control if I could yell "red" or "yellow", and Leo had to stop whatever he was doing. In a TPE relationship, there are no "timeouts" and no safewords. Leo is the boss all the time. He knows my reactions well enough to evaluate whatever activity he is doing, and either continue it, or change it.

To me it is like a coach for a basketball team. The coach pushes his player’s limits, often beyond what each player imagine he is capable of doing. And a good coach does this again and again. And the players love him for it. If a player says… "I can’t take anymore".. is it likely the coach will say… "Ok, I know you can’t". A good coach would say: "I know you can do it. I trust you.. Try harder" . Or, he might even try reversed psychology, knowing that if he says to the player: "I didn’t think you could do it", knowing his player will be provoked to do more than his best.

There are no negotiations, and no "known limits".
Most players in the public scene will negotiate a scene, and establish what the submissive limits are before they start playing. Not so for a TPE couple. It is totally irrelevant to even think in those patterns. I have given Leo my body, mind and soul, and he has taken the responsibility to manage the exploration of my limits. Of course, all people have limits, - including a submissive in a TPE relationship.

I have many! But part of our thrill is to find them, and for Leo to push them.. whatever limits he feels desirable to push.

To wrap it up.
So, what is the "goal" for a couple living in a TPE relationship? I would say it is a symbiosis, - to almost become "one person", or a kind of an organism that is ONE but consist of two cells depending on each other. It is certainly not for anyone. The two persons involved must really want it, and get pleasure out of it. The submissive must feel the need to give up all control, and the Dom on the other hand must have the need to have that total control.

Is it ever possible to reach a goal like that? Hmm... maybe not. And in a sense that does not matter. The journey in trying to get there is so satisfactory in itself. And we do like traveling.

March 1999