Master & slave

2009-03-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome.
Since time immemorial, woman has submitted to man.
If she was lucky, it was passionate, spiritual, and a well matched power exchange.
There are millions of places on the web to gather information about the dynamics of the Master/slave lifestyle.
Millions of artworks to consider, millions of stories to read.
No two people will find the exact same things to their liking, nor will any one place satisfy the thirst some feel.

Each of us has a calling. Each of us has, at our core, the knowledge of what we are in relation to the world.
Some find their heart's desire in the Mastery of their world and the Ownership of the people that depend on them. Others find their heart's desire in knowing that they are serving someone, owned, and that they are of need in another's life.

M/s is not for those who cannot be successful elsewhere, and often those who are the most respected practitioners are also those who's lives are the most organized and well run outside of M/s.

Gathering information, quotes, lifestyle views, essays, musings and insights from both sides of the Master slave world, it is hoped that you enjoy what you find here.

Love Like Death

2008-11-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

Love Like Death

by MsterSade

I look at her eye, close to my face rolling in fear, and I have never felt as close to another human being in my life.
She pants, sweating and she has an almost uncontrollable need to piss. Her fear smells, thick from her armpits and the skin between her thighs, palpably sweated out from her.
Her eye moves and then locks on me, slowly, with precision I drag the knife tip across her breast, leaving a beaded red streak in the blades track, pushing slightly right above the nipple so the blade penetrates a quarter of an inch with a felt, not heard, pop as it passes the skin. Her mouth moves, a whisper hoarse from a mouth dryed by fear and the air panted across it, "no, no.."
I feel a compelling desire to push, hard, burying the knife in he breast, and as I pull the knife back I smile at the desire. I am so hard it hurts. I press myself against her thigh and bring the knife to her throat.
"Think", I whisper, "a sharp pain and then a flood of blood all down your chest. things getting grey and then dark, warm, and then ... nothing .... just the warm gush, like an orgasm, then grey and then a nothingness so real as to be smelt and tasted. Smelling of nothing, tasting of nothing."
Sbe moans and her head hangs backward on her slack neck.
"Now!" I say with quiet firmness, my lips close to her ear.
Her body snaps up, she moans, then cries out, legs trembling, insides clenching, she orgasms and when she is done, she hangs in her bonds, limp.

I take her down, push her to her knees, push her head to the floor and fuck her, my cock deep inside, I place the knife against her throat, moving solidly inside her, harshly, pushing toward one side or the other. A warm afterwards, as she kisses my feet in gratitude, I notice a streak of fresh blood on her neck. Placing my foot on her back and I press her to the floor.
later .... lying in my arms on the floor she whispers ... "would you?" and her words seem to come a sandpaper dry tongue
And I respond ... my throat rasping "no, I would not"
She moves against me and asks "but you could?"
"Yes, I could. Love is close to death, is it not?"
She murmers and I don't understand her and into my silence she says ... "please Sir oh please" as she nuzzles my belly..
I respond by pushing her head down.

She hangs from my ceiling wide eyed, her feet barely touching the carpet a spreader bar strapped between her legs. She is dripping, staining my carpet charmingly, a thin flow from her cunt to the floor. She sucks in her breath as I approach holding two floggers and a cat. I drop the cat and the larger of the two floggers on the floor. I say, voice soft, "ask me to slap you" and her head snaps, she forces out the words, "Oh! oh, Sir, please slap your slave".
Her head lolls to one side in response to the blow and it starts - gentle slaps with a deerskin, here then there on her body, on her breasts, her rump, between her legs, across her face gently so as to protect her eyes. It begins for me - I loose track of time and the surroundings fade out - at one point after a long time, when her skin is hot swollen red, I reach for the heavier bullhide and alternate my rythym hard. fast, slower, softer, harder, faster, faster, pause pause pause, and stepping to the side whirl around and strike at shoulder level, backhand straight armed and lift her almost off the ground, then to the ass again and again, She struggles for breath, her both moved by the impact, her head hanging.

I drop the bullhide to the floor as I retrieve the cat. The first strike raises angry welts, the second in the same spot is blood specked, and I aim for her ass, then her shoulders, then her inner thighs, then harshly between her legs. I step in front of her and grasping her by the hair I look into her fluttering eyes - and I whisper NOW!
Her body arches and she convulses.
Gently I remove the spreader bar and then her wrists, one arm wrapped around her waist she slumps against me. I lower her to the carpet and she scoots across the floor to grasp my ankles and press her lips to my right foot. I open my jeans and masturbate. I come in her hair and when I am done, without being instructed, she licks me clean.
We sleep well and awake refreshed. She serves my morning coffee with ankles shackled and a gag in place.

I am Poly, but Not Polyamorous

2008-11-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, June 30, 2004
By Master Jim

I Am Poly…But I Am Not PolyamorousThe recent discussion by the readers of this website about polyamorous or poly relationships seems to be missing one important consideration: what do we mean when we say we are polyamorous? As I read the various posts, I came to realize that I might not understand what people mean when they call themselves “polyamorous.” So I did a quick Google search and found a site with the following definitions of polyamory: “A long-term, romantically committed, multiple partner relationship.”“The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.”“Means ‘many loves,’ and refers to relationship styles of responsible non-monogamy.”There were many more definitions, but these examples give a flavor of what people may mean when they say they are polyamorous. These selected definitions and most others, while they vary, do have common components: the idea of multiple relationships (poly), coupled with love (amor) and usually sex. Now I say enough extreme things already, so I will not use this post to stake out a position against love and sex, especially sex. Trust me – I am strongly in favor of sex and I really do not have anything against love, either. I will, however, challenge the common practice of applying the term polyamorous to Master/slave relationships when what is being described may be, I think, something quite different. I currently have two people in service to me – slave marsha as my slave and ryan as my man in service. I also am negotiating with a third person, a boy. Recently, I was asked if I considered myself to be polyamorous. I responded that I do not. Why not? After all, I certainly am not involved in a traditional monogamous relationship. But my response was based on defining the term polyamorous in a way consistent with the common definition of the word – multiple relationships based on romantic love. If you have been following the writings on this website, or if you have heard me and slave marsha speak, you will know that I do not consider romantic love to be the foundation of my Master/slave relationship. While some kind of love may very well be a part of a Master/slave relationship, as it is in my relationship with slave marsha, it is in no way a romantic love. So as long as there is a common assumption that being polyamorous means having multiple romantic relationships, I will not call myself polyamorous. But what if we take the romantic love idea (amor) out of the definition of polyamorous, leaving us simply with the term “poly?” Using just the term “poly” (many) to describe my relationships certainly is more accurate. But calling myself simply “poly” really is not enough. It seems necessary to replace the “amorous” with something to describe the kind of multiple relationships in which I live. And after thinking about what might accurately describe them, the answer came to me – and was quite simple. I have a “polyservice” relationship with slave marsha as my slave and ryan as my man in service. Service is the foundation of these multiple relationships, not love. And so, for those of us in multiple Master/slave or other service based relationships, I offer the alternative concept of “polyservice” to describe what we do. In my case, it simply fits where polyamorous does not. In leather,Master Jim:: 9:43 AM [+] ::

TPE

2008-11-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

What is TPE and how does it differentiate from a D/s relationship

By missy

Disclaimer: these thoughts and definitions are solely mine, and is by no means any "official" definition of TPE. All TPE relationships are unique, and as different from another as any vanilla relationship. I find, however, that there are some similarities. Also, since Leo and I are male Dom/fem sub, I find it natural to use "He" for the Dom and "She" for the sub. Gender is of course not an issue in a TPE relationship. It is just that I am lazy.

It is rather interesting to me, pretty new to the world of BDSM to discover how hostile most people within this sexual orientation is when they are dealing with the odd relationship that is called TPE. Since living in a TPE relationship has come so natural for me, I don’t quite see the "threat" that most people here see in it. And to be honest, one of the first things I read online was the "9 levels of submission" (frown, - more about that in another piece), I could not understand why the author found the 9th level so impossible. I do understand, though that a TPE relationship is not for everyone. Neither do I say that a TPE relationship is "better" then other D/s relationship. What I do say, though, is that it is a totally different ballgame.

So, what is TPE (Total Power Exchange).
Well, the name says it, really. It means Total, as opposed to partial. It means that the submissive has given herself to her solemate, the Dom. Body, mind and soul. Without restrictions. The Dom on his side has taken on this huge responsibility. He owns her submissive. So, how does this mindset make a TPE relationship different from a D/s relationship? I will mostly use Leo and me in the examples here, because I know our relationship better than others.

It is a lifelong commitment.
TPE couples commit for life. Death of one of the partners it the only "way out" of the relationship. Most TPE couples I know of are in this for life. When Leo and I got married I promised to Love, honor and obey him till death do us part. To the people present, it was just like any other wedding. Nothing very unusual with the vows, except maybe the "obey" part.

Leo and I take our vows literally.

The submissive cannot leave the relationship.
She has given herself to her Dom, and handed over also the power to end a relationship. And since they are committing for life, there are really no way out for the submissive. She cannot leave.

This is one of the parts that makes most people cringe when they are talking about a TPE relationship. Their argument "you can leave if you want to", is of course valid in the sense that I can walk out the door if I should be stricken by insanity. However, Leo would come after me and bring me home. That is his right. Most TPE couples create an environment where practical actions support this "unable to leave" decision that the couples made when they entered their relationship.

In our case there are a couple of things. I do not have a job outside our home. Consequently I do not have any money of my own. When I need money for some reason, I have to ask Leo for them, and he will give them to me. If I get change after my purchase, I am to give that back to him. I don’t have a car, so I can’t go anywhere other than by foot, and there is no public transportation around. So even if I should suddenly turn insane and would want to leave, that would be very difficult.

I know that for most people this sounds like prison. But what you must have in mind, is that it is a prison that I want to be in. The practical issues are there to support that wish, - for both of us. I think of this as a mindset that I share with other very committed people like nuns and monks. (the comparison ends there! LOL). I have found that over time the thought of leaving becomes more and more distant. It is simply not an issue. Just like any other property of Leo’s I am just here. Just as his car cannot drive off on its own, I cannot walk out of Leo’s control.

There is no contract.
Looking around on the net, most D/s gurus tell you to negotiate a contract before you establish a 24/7 D/s relationship. There has to be a contract to "regulate" the dos and don’ts. In a partial relationship it seems logical that there is a need for a contract. Are there areas between the two persons that are held outside Domination/submission. Children, maybe or the submissive’s outside job? Is there a time frame in the relationship? Does the power exchange only apply to the bedroom?

In a TPE relationship a contract is meaningless. The submissive has already given all of herself to her Dom. There is no reason to narrow the areas of his power over her. He has all the power. She has none. There is no reason to put that on a piece of paper.

The only piece of paper we have are our wedding vows and the vows we gave each other, when I was collared 6 months after our wedding.

There are no rules.
When we established our TPE relationship, we tried to gather as much information as we could about "how to do it right". Everybody said that we needed rules. We tried, seriously. We wrote down a lot of suggestions that we felt might suit us. But in the end we found it a waste of paper. Because Leo has the ultimate say. If he tells me to go and dye my hair purple, that is what I am going to do. His decisions about me does not often go into details like what to wear, when to go to the bathroom and daily routines like that. But if for some reason he wants to, he can make all my "small decisions" as well. That is his right.

Mostly he will draw the big lines. In the example of hairdo, I know that he prefers me to have short cut hair, and it is up to me to figure out when I need a haircut or other hair treatment. When I think it is time to do my hair, I will ask him if I can make an appointment with my hairdresser, and ask him for the money for it.

As for the even bigger picture, Leo decides how I prioritize my days, - how I should use our time, and when I am permitted to leave the house. He has decided that I will not have an "outside" job for the time being, I have no money of my own and I don’t have a car. Most people would call this being imprisoned. And most people don’t see the fact that this is a life I thrive in.

There is no safeword.
To my surprise I found that people get really offended when they hear that I do not have a safeword. I don’t even understand the concept of a safeword. I would feel that I had the control if I could yell "red" or "yellow", and Leo had to stop whatever he was doing. In a TPE relationship, there are no "timeouts" and no safewords. Leo is the boss all the time. He knows my reactions well enough to evaluate whatever activity he is doing, and either continue it, or change it.

To me it is like a coach for a basketball team. The coach pushes his player’s limits, often beyond what each player imagine he is capable of doing. And a good coach does this again and again. And the players love him for it. If a player says… "I can’t take anymore".. is it likely the coach will say… "Ok, I know you can’t". A good coach would say: "I know you can do it. I trust you.. Try harder" . Or, he might even try reversed psychology, knowing that if he says to the player: "I didn’t think you could do it", knowing his player will be provoked to do more than his best.

There are no negotiations, and no "known limits".
Most players in the public scene will negotiate a scene, and establish what the submissive limits are before they start playing. Not so for a TPE couple. It is totally irrelevant to even think in those patterns. I have given Leo my body, mind and soul, and he has taken the responsibility to manage the exploration of my limits. Of course, all people have limits, - including a submissive in a TPE relationship.

I have many! But part of our thrill is to find them, and for Leo to push them.. whatever limits he feels desirable to push.

To wrap it up.
So, what is the "goal" for a couple living in a TPE relationship? I would say it is a symbiosis, - to almost become "one person", or a kind of an organism that is ONE but consist of two cells depending on each other. It is certainly not for anyone. The two persons involved must really want it, and get pleasure out of it. The submissive must feel the need to give up all control, and the Dom on the other hand must have the need to have that total control.

Is it ever possible to reach a goal like that? Hmm... maybe not. And in a sense that does not matter. The journey in trying to get there is so satisfactory in itself. And we do like traveling.

March 1999

Differentiating the M/s Dynamic

2008-09-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

Differentiating the M/s Dynamic by Sir Stephen

There are many kinds of relationships in which kinky sex, BDSM activities, and power exchange play a role. In fact, there are those who maintain that they live “normal” lives and who incorporate some of these elements in outré activities conducted behind the close doors of their “vanilla” bedrooms and relationships.

Can anything be said about M/s relationships that differentiates them from relationships that incorporate such “kinky” elements? I have a theory (this is my opinion only) about that and here it is:

We believe in ownership. We believe that we, as Masters can own human property. We believe as slaves that we can be owned. This element is unique. Now, we in the community are not delusional (I hope). We know that the reality is, in 21st Century America (and in much of the world), one cannot legally, or literally, own another person. However, we in the M/s Community have taken the concepts of Mastery and slavery and recognized within them the potential for a level commitment to relationship that we believe exceeds all others. We have recognized as well the erotic potential contained within the level of power exchange that exists between Master and slave.

In an effort to reap the potential benefits of commitment and eroticism that can be found within Master/slave relationships, and within the constraints of the legal realities of the society in which we function, we have created a new concept…a new construct, if you will, upon which we can base our relationships…consensual slavery. We invest heavily of our time and energy in this construct to build it up and make is strong enough to endure the outer societal pressure that would like it to cease, as well as our own internal social conditioning that has an inertial pull constantly attempting to drag us back to the “norms” in which we were raised. This last point may be less of an issue for generations that are younger than me who did not grow up under the cultural influences expressed in such TV shows as “Leave it to Beaver,” “Donna Reed,” “Father Know Best,” and “The Andy Griffith Show.”

So, the first key differentiator, in my theory, is the notion of consensual slavery, or the owning of human property.

The second differentiator is persistence. Master/slave relationships are persistent. Those within them strive to make the presence and the effect of the dynamic felt at every moment of the day…every day. This is unlike other forms of Power Exchange based relationships where the nature of the exchange tends to be episodic. By episodic I mean that the power exchange is limited to time spent in the dungeon, or other BDSM activities, or time spent involved in kinky sexual activities, etc. While these elements may be essential components to many relationships and while people may invest time and energy in the planning and execution of these episodic interludes, they do not find outward expression in their daily lives and routines.

What are the persistent forms of outward expression that we find in M/s Relationships? One such form of expression is Ritual. Rituals are moments that occur throughout the day. Rituals, by their very nature, force us to stop our more mundane activities and focus, if even for a moment, upon the fact that I am a Master or that I am a slave. A ritual can be as simple as a phone call. If a slave is told that they must call their Master upon arrival at work, or at lunch, or when they depart, it forces them to stop what they are doing and remember who, in their deepest self, they truly are. They are the slave to a Master, the owned property of a Master who has sworn to obedience, even in small measures, like making a phone call.

Of course, rituals can and do take many, many forms. Many of us have door rituals, or rituals marking the return to our homes, or service rituals for the presentation of food or beverage, etc. These rituals serve to remind both Master and slave of their dynamic and their chosen roles within that dynamic, over and over again throughout their daily routines.

Other persistent forms of expression can be found in Household Rules and Protocols, if such exist. These are often written down and sometimes incorporated into a larger set of documents defining the Household Policies and Procedures. Such Policies and Procedures define the nature of the interaction between the Master and the slave, as well as the nature of their combined interaction with the outside world. Not all Masters see fit to write this down, but choose instead to communicate it verbally. My experience is that by writing it down we achieve a higher level of agreement and understanding between the Master and the slave and the amount of confusion in the relationship diminishes.

What is the outcome of creating these elements geared towards making the dynamic persistent? The outcome is a highly structured relationship.

So, we have a relationship in which the Power Exchange finds its form in consensual slavery or ownership; that is persistent, not episodic; that is marked by ritual and other structural elements like protocols.

I believe that this is a reasonably accurate depiction of the form of M/s relationships. But, what of the roles of the Master and slave, are they not unique as well?

The power granted by the slave to the Master is enormous. slaves are willing to grant the Master Authority over many, if not all, aspects of their lives. Masters take on this Authority and agree to this burden of responsibility. I also believe that in assuming this mantle of Authority Masters assume responsibility for the successful management of the slave and their resources. This involves all the resources of the physical, emotional, psychological, financial and spiritual. The Master is now bound, in all areas, to see to the fulfillment and well-being of those who have, by their consent, turned over their will and their lives to the care of the Master.

Much as I hate to quote Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility.”

This is another unique aspect of our M/s Relationships…the burden of responsibility assumed by the Master. And, if a Master accepts that burden seriously then an interesting thing begins to happen…power begins to flow back from the Master to the slave as we put time and effort into constructing and maintaining the safe physical, emotional and spiritual space in which the slave can flourish.

In truth, my experience of the Power Exchange between the Master and the slave is extraordinary. It is not simply a “power grab” by a megalomaniac individual attempting to take everything and give back nothing. There is an ebb and flow of the power between Master and slave that is akin to a dance…a dance of power. Within this dance one thing always remains true…the Master leads and the slave follows.

Well, there you have it…my brief theory about what differentiates our Master/slave relationships and can make them not just unique, but powerful, enduring and fulfilling.

~~~~~~~~~

Sir Stephen has been actively involved in the BDSM and Master/slave communities for over 12 years and is currently a board member of Master Taino’s Training Academy sponsor of the Master/slave Conference, a member of The Eulenspiegel Society (TES), Dom sub Friends (DsF), The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), and is an officer of MasT: Metro NY, and Director and Founder of MAsT: Central NJ.
In 2005 founded the Mid-Atlantic Masters’ Forum – now an annual event. He is a founding member of The Master/slave Development Center. He is proud to be the holder of the titles of International Master 2005, and Northeast Master 2004. He has been nominated in 2006, 2007, and 2008 in various categories for the Pantheon of Leather Awards. He has presented on numerous occasions, individually, jointly with slave catherine as well as others, and on panels.
He identifies as Lord of the Manor modeling his management structure after the style of a Victorian Household, with a strong spiritual foundation.

Role Models

2008-09-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

Role Models

by Ben, N.C.Master

I have heard it said many times that the people we surround ourselves with influence our lives and our behaviors. Even as a kid, I remember being told, “if you lay down with dogs, you will get up with fleas”. It is a common sense kinda thing, but all too often we as individuals do not practice what we know. Each of us should evaluate what we practice and evaluate if our practices are in line with our goals.

Often in the BDSM community we find people that are searching for their perfect mate and bemoaning the fact that they just can’t seem to find the right one. Perhaps, we are looking in the wrong places and our search involves the wrong people. I have noticed people in the community that seem to go from one relationship to another without success and constantly having to deal with issues and problems.

It is My belief that we should have a personal plan and specific strategies to help us reach our goals. First, one must take care of any personal issues that may exist. Things like personal health, financial stability, and mental stability are important. Only when a person has their personal issues under control can they actually succeed in a relationship with others. Once these issues are in order, you need to clearly define what it is that you seek in a partner. The qualities and characteristics you seek should match yours in areas of morality, core values, sense of right and wrong, and attitude toward responsibilities.

Once you understand what you seek, then you should begin to cultivate friendships with people that share these values and traits. Look first for friends that you would enjoy spending time with even outside of the kink community. These friends do not have to be potential partners, just friends. This association with people that have the traits you seek will most often have other friends with similar traits, so your network grows. Also try to find people in stable, successful relationships that are of the nature you seek. Spend time with them and notice how they interact with each other. Use them as your model. Learn how they cultivate behaviors that are healthy for their relationship. Watch what they do in those times when the world is not watching.

Finding people in good relationships and using them as your model is a very good way to learn how a relationship works. It also increases your potential through networking to meet others that share your values that may become partners. As I think about our closest friends, I realize that we have surrounded ourselves with people that are in very successful D/s based relationships and people that are single but looking for the same thing. We become what we do each day.

Honorifics, Titles and Respect

2008-09-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

Honorifics, Titles and Respect
Article 4 of 12

When a slave or submissive is "asked" to call all Dominants Sir or Ma'am they are not being forced to show added respect, beyond basic respect or common courtesy.

The use of Sir or Ma'am is not all or exclusively about respect. "Respect" does not mean "submission". It's about conveying honor as a title or grammatical form used in speaking to or about a superior or elder. These are called "Honorifics". As there is a "Hierarchy" in the BDSM Lifestyle as is in any Master/Mistress – slave/sub relationship, Dominants are "superior" to slaves/submissives in this hierarchy.

Granting others the place, title or address they have chosen for themselves does not make you indebted to them, nor does it indicate your full agreement with their ways.

Neither respect nor proper address should be used as a “gift”. It should simply be offered. Neither respect nor proper address needs to be earned or deserved or dangled around like a reward. Basic respect and with that civility should be given, freely, without conditions, until proven otherwise. Everyone deserves respect, until they prove themselves unworthy of it.

When addressing or referring to a Dominant by name the slave/submissive should do so with use of the Dominants "Honorific" such as for example Sir Doe, Ms Doe, Master Doe, Sir or Mistress Doe, Ma’am.

Sir and Ma'am are often used for referring to any male or female Dominant, while Master and Mistress, without an accompanying name, is usually reserved for the owner of the sub/slave. To address a Master or a Mistress as such, who is not one's owner, the name of that particular Master/Mistress should accompany the title, as in Master Doe, Sir or Mistress Doe, Ma’am.

Although it might not be generally common in the mainstream BDSM community, it is suggested that Dominants between themselves should address or refer to each other at a level chosen by themselves, when addressing or referring to another Dominant by name, such as for example Sir Doe, Ms Doe, Master Doe or Mistress Doe.

Whenever in doubt as to address someone of who's status one is unsure, a simple Sir, Miss or Ma'am, should be appropriate, unless one is informed otherwise.

--------------------
Anyone wishing to use this article on their site or mailing list may do so as long as the article remains unchanged and my name and email address remain on them. Giving credit where it belongs. MasterEso@esodom.com
www.esodom.com

Meeting needs

2008-08-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

Maslow and The Dominant

by Ben, N.C.Master

Abraham Maslow developed what he called the hierarchy of needs. These levels of basic needs illustrate how a person is able to grow into a self aware, self assured individual that can succeed in life. As I read the list of basic needs, it occurs to me that the good dominant provides the submissive with the ability and opportunities to meet these needs and become a more successful person. I want to take each level of needs and analyze and apply to the relationship between a dominant and submissive.

(Physiological Needs
These are biological needs. They consist of needs for oxygen, food, water, and a relatively constant body temperature. They are the strongest needs because if a person were deprived of all needs, the physiological ones would come first in the person's search for satisfaction.)

The dominant should place as the first priority the physiological needs of the submissive. These would also include the need for food, housing and clothing. He/She should be able to provide these basic needs because without these, there can be no service or submission. These are needed for life. To me this states that the dominant must be responsible about finances, that what ever financial resources are available, they are used wisely in such a way as to meet these basic needs. The dominant can’t squander money when it is not available in adequate amounts to provide for food and shelter. In other words, the dominant should not buy a new $200 flogger when there is no food in the house or money for the electric bill.

(Safety Needs
When all physiological needs are satisfied and are no longer controlling thoughts and behaviors, the needs for security can become active. Adults have little awareness of their security needs except in times of emergency or periods of disorganization in the social structure (such as widespread rioting). Children often display the signs of insecurity and the need to be safe.)

The submissive cannot submit freely and completely if they do not feel safe. If the dominant is not trusted to not harm the submissive, either physically or emotionally, the submissive will never completely surrender. The need for self preservation is stronger than the desire to submit. The ever present fear of harm is foremost in the mind of the submissive and displaces the desire to submit. The dominant should be trustworthy and reliable. It is the responsibility of the dominant to give the submissive a sense of well being and security.

(Needs of Love, Affection and Belongingness
When the needs for safety and for physiological well-being are satisfied, the next class of needs for love, affection and belongingness can emerge. Maslow states that people seek to overcome feelings of loneliness and alienation. This involves both giving and receiving love, affection and the sense of belonging.)

The submissive has a great need to feel loved and wanted. I have often heard submissives relate their perceived value with the amount of time their dominant gives to them. The need to submit and serve is very strong and unless they feel that submission is valued and appreciated, they feel inadequate and unwanted. The dominant should ensure that the submissive knows and understands their value to the dominant. The submissive should know that their dominant will always “be there for them”, that they do not have to face things alone.

(Needs for Esteem
When the first three classes of needs are satisfied, the needs for esteem can become dominant. These involve needs for both self-esteem and for the esteem a person gets from others. Humans have a need for a stable, firmly based, high level of self-respect, and respect from others. When these needs are satisfied, the person feels self-confident and valuable as a person in the world. When these needs are frustrated, the person feels inferior, weak, helpless and worthless.)

Much is said about the respect given to a dominant, we should also understand that submissives deserve respect as well. This respect should not only be in the form of respect from the dominant, but the dominant should also ensure that others of the community show respect to the submissive as well. The submissive needs to have a high level of self-esteem and know they are worthy of respect. This level of self-esteem gives the submissive a greater ability to serve at a higher level and be more successful in all areas of life. This in turn, brings a higher level of service to the dominant.

(Needs for Self-Actualization
When all of the foregoing needs are satisfied, then and only then are the needs for self-actualization activated. Maslow describes self-actualization as a person's need to be and do that which the person was "born to do." "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, and a poet must write." These needs make themselves felt in signs of restlessness. The person feels on edge, tense, lacking something, in short, restless. If a person is hungry, unsafe, not loved or accepted, or lacking self-esteem, it is very easy to know what the person is restless about. It is not always clear what a person wants when there is a need for self-actualization.)

The dominant should understand that only by providing all of the previous needs can the submissive excel in this area. Most submissives would probably agree that they were meant to be a submissive and crave the opportunity to serve in this manner. It is the responsibility of the dominant, once the previous needs are met, to provide opportunities for the submissive to serve at the highest level possible. The submissive’s self-actualization grows and excels when they are given the opportunity to show the world as well as their dominant all they can do. The dominant should realize that the greatest submission is for the submissive to be very successful and use that success in the service of their dominant.

Submissives are human and have all the needs that humans possess. The good dominant recognizes this and takes the responsibilities to ensure that the submissive reaches the level of self-actualization. Anything less than this is the failure of the dominant, not the submissive.

~~~
Ben is a Leather Lifestyle Dominant married to his slave/wife, and been active in the lifestyle for over 20 years. They are very active in the local and regional BDSM community, host several groups in their home, and do demos and presentations throughout the southeast on BDSM and M/s D/s Relationships. He is a former Board Member of Capex.

The Care, Feeding & Maintenance of a Top

2008-08-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

by Justin Medlin

The things that I believe are required for the “care, feeding and maintenance” of a top:

Obedience: Over the years it has surprised me that in every place that this question has been asked, that this did not rank much higher in the order of things listed and that a large amount of time went by before it was listed at all.

On another list someone expressed another part that I think goes hand in hand with obedience, blind faith. Obedience quite simply is the ability to do as you are told promptly, with pleasure and without having to ask a multitude of questions. An example being, If I say “put this knife on the edge of the table” Then put the knife on the edge of the table. Not, “But why do you want the knife on the edge of the table?” Not, “But that is not how a table is set”. Not, “Are you sure that you want the knife on the edge of the table?” or any other questions. The “why” game is generally played by 5 year olds, which is not to say that there are never times when “why” is not a pertinent question to be asked. There are times but I won’t even go into the idiocies of pairing oneself with a top who would expect you to cut off your hand.

Transparency: Note that I am using the definition of “transparency” from Guy Baldwin’s book, “Slavecraft”. This means there are no secrets that the bottom holds back from the top, that their thoughts are open to the top at all times. Obviously this is not an easy thing to achieve, but for me, if I can see that an honest to god effort is being made, it helps tremendously. Mot often it is the responsibilities of the top to their respective bottoms which are noted and discussed. The most commonly spoken of is the responsibility of having control of the welfare (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) of the bottom. I believe this is a responsibility that most tops seek to have; it is the ultimate form of control. We like control. Ask us, we really like it, but more than liking it, we expect to have it, not simply in the bedroom where we have your legs pinned back behind your ears like Bugs Bunny, while pulling your hair from behind your head, arching your neck back and exposing it, while fucking you or in the dungeon space where we did either wonderful or hideous things to you for our (and your) amusement and gratification, but in life as a whole. Transparency makes maintaining this responsibility to the level that we hold ourselves to much easier in the same way that having gas in a car makes it easier to drive down the block. In spite of what some would like to think, tops are not all seeing all knowing mind readers.

Skillful observation: Just as with the “why” question, we really don’t want to be asked “how” enough times to spring forth a new branch of mathematics. Believe me, this is one that we practice on you all the time. We have to; it’s required of us to know you. It’s also required for you to know us. This, combined with hearing (different from listening) is a large part of the engine that drives service. What are the tops habits? What do they enjoy? What do they detest? What are their quirks, pet peeves and little tiny things that go straight to their heart, mind and soul? Everyone does this with people that are important to them to some degree, form or fashion, but in a d/s relationship, it helps if this is an active, conscience act. Keep your eyes open, watch intently as to what they like and want, then take your observations and apply them to the everyday. It is much more precious when the bottom does something the top has never mentioned or had to show them how to do. This type of skilled observation is priceless to a top.

Application of Observation (more commonly known as anticipatory service): It remains to be, one of the things that most warms my cockles, when it is unnecessary for the bottom to ask me, “Justin, what would you like to/for…..” and instead it’s already, quietly been provided. You already know what soda, wine, or liquor that they like (and note, this applies to more than just YOUR top, it applies to a social skill that everyone appreciates, it also requires work) you know the brand of unusually flavored crackers that are only available at one store in town, you know that they get up at 6:45 AM every morning and that the first thing they do is reach for, look for or go get their cigarettes, god knows, you certainly know how and when they take their coffee. Apply those things that you have learned from your skillful observations.
As much as it warms my cockles when a bottom can and does apply those observations to me (consistently) it absolutely makes my cockles spontaneously combust when I see them apply those same skills to other people when we entertain or have overnight guests. I look good, because the bottom looks good and that her value as property shines through. Some things are easily overlooked, like the simple way a top likes their towel hung and where they like it hung so it is available after a shower.

Consistent Dependability: Please note the first word on this one. Yes, life happens, mistakes are made by everyone, but work towards not only doing what you’re asked, but in doing what you say or imply that you will do. This is a huge on the list of things that tops are constantly admonished for in the discussions between bottoms and internet posts asking for help with a problem. I’m here to tell you sweet pea, what is good for the goose is damn sure good and applies to the gander as well. To use a hypothetical example, if you are supposed to carry your cell phone……..

Vulnerability: This one goes hand in hand with transparency. If you achieve any high degree of transparency, you will have made yourself vulnerable to you top. In fact, you will have made yourself extremely vulnerable to them, to the point that they could break you mentally and emotionally. Vulnerability is often listed as trust. I think it’s a separate thing. Do you trust your top to the point that you can truly make yourself vulnerable? Remember, we like control and this is part of the ultimate control.

Independence/Strength: If you are not independent and strong in your own right, why should we desire you? For me anyway, a large part of personal power springs from a person’s independence and internal strength and fortitude. Tops as a whole I think, wish to control or own powerful things and beings. This one also covers independent thought. If the top sends you for milk, did he specify a particular brand of goat’s milk, fat percentage, or store that it be bought from (and had you already noted these things through skillful observation, anyway)? Can you go get the milk, independent from having to play 20 questions? If the first store you go to is out of milk, do you need to call and ask where another store is, or can you ask the store clerk who is standing in front of you? Do you have the intestinal fortitude to come back with the milk without having needed to engage in a game of 20 Questions or will you require a re-direct to be able to function? We tend to like people in service to us who make our lives easier, not harder. Consistently easier and for whom we do not have to think. If independence was not important to me, personally, I would get a pet, who would lavish love and attention of me faithfully and whom I understood that I had to take care of and think for.

Space: Amount of space varies required or wanted, varies, I’m sure, from top to top. Don’t smother us. I would not want to spend every second hanging out with God. This is why I have such a large group of friends. One of the biggest adaptations in a relationship can be when going from living apart (sometimes hours apart) to living together. When you live apart you tend to spend most of the time together doing things jointly. But when you are living together most tops need their space, time to unwind and regroup. This does not mean hovering over them. This usually means alone time.

Patience: Bottoms demand it from us and rightly so. We demand it as well. Part of what makes d/s relationships beautiful to me, is that bottoms often look after the day to day details of things, tops, note the details and apply them to the overall well being of the relationship, today, tomorrow, next week, next year and the next decade. That is part of the job that we want. We don’t just pull rabbits out of our asses by magic. There is an awful lot of thinking, planning, and multiple chess games on a variety of different things going on in the tops head. Maintaining the balance for us, for you and for the relationship, all at the same time is no mean feat. Besides which, some separation does make the heart grow fonder.

Protect the Property: This is Mandate One for a bottom. Maintain your health (physical, emotional, mental) and find ways to foster your own self growth. If you don’t none of the rest of what is listed above will matter because the top will have had to assume the responsibility of every basic need for you and them, both. Without your health, you cannot provide any of the rest of the things that we so love to discuss. And even for those of us with health considerations (me included with my diabetes) most things can be worked with and around. Often times, bottoms say that one of the things that love about their tops and what they do for them is make them feel “protected” and “secure”. Bottoms taking a proactive approach to Protecting the Property help in no small part, to their tops feeling “protected” and “secure”.

All normal disclaimers apply, with the understanding, that so far as I am concerned, I am right. Additional fees may apply. See dealer for details. Your mileage WILL vary, ZMAX may help.

A Personal Statement

2008-07-06T16:10:00.001-07:00

I Am A Dom A Personal Statement Of Feelings Author: Tiger Master © used with permission

I am a Dom. I did not say brute. I did not say harsh. I am a Dom, not a
cold-hearted chauvinist who cares little for, and respects even less the
woman in his life. No, I revere my beloved, for I realize that without I
do not exist. Without her I am a mere disassembled puzzle. Yet with her
I am a whole. Ah, yes I am a Dom. I call my beloved gem, more precious
and rare than the most opulent of all yet undiscovered treasures. I also
call her slave, yet what is life without paradoxes?

She is my possession, my responsibility, my primary interest, and my
saving grace. I am a Dom. I demand respect from her. I expect obedience
from her, I am a Dom and from my slave, my beloved, gem, I receive the
sweet fruit of submission. But that is just a fact, it is not the story.
Submission is the fruit, yes. But as is so often the case, much more
understanding is derived from the gestation. You see, I am a Dom, and I
live in the paradoxical world we call life. I treasure the submission of
my gem as I would treasure the most precious, the most valuable of all
gifts.

It is a gift of hers, one she has bestowed upon me. I am humbled by it.
I am honored by it. It is a gift for me to treat with care, respect,
understanding, and reverence. It is a gift far more fragile than a
century-old ceramic doll. It is a gift which cannot be purchased. It is
also a gift which I must earn. And so you see, the paradox lives.. I am
a Dom.

My gem and I share much together. We move forward each time we are
together. We touch the heart of each other with a sense of wants and
needs that this universe has not had the opportunity to experience. I am
a Dom. When we talk and when we are apart, I feel her breath upon my
neck. When she is near, I feel the sensation that I always so carelessly
thought would come only on the eve of a new love.

I am a Dom and she fills me. With her each day, it is beautiful. When
she is in front of me, I shiver. When she touches me, I melt, and when
our flesh is joined, I feel the power of a million suns. I am fueled by
her every move. When I ask something of her, she delivers, unwavering in
her belief that this union, improbable and so very rare, causes
disbelief in the doubts of destiny. She submits from extreme strength,
not from weakness.

I accept the role of Master and teacher with all the responsibilities
such roles entail.The dispelling of myth and intrigue, the discarding of
old mores, of believing in the other which others would dismiss out of
hand, and the never-ending quest to have the purist of pure upon me.
Matters of the heart are perhaps the most elusive of all endeavors. My
gem and I are not immune to this so powerful, so elusive so
inexplicable, so often painful, so often joyous web of emotions. Love is
a liquid and it fills the container of the world, taking on the shape of
it and it alone, willingly and effortlessly. I am a Dom and I know that
even the slightest hole in the container means that the liquid drains
out easily.

I am a Dom and our container is filled with emotions. She is my slave.
Our union is one I would fight to the death to defend. It is a web of
comfort, respect, trust, laughter, friendship, lust, and understanding.
Yes, I am a Dom, and yes, I hesitatingly yearn to say "I love you",
although fear the words. I scoff that others will try to explain it, and
I laugh at those who doubt its existence. No, I am a Dom, and she is my
world.

I am a human being. I am compassionate and I can be stern. I can be
gentle, I can cry, hurt, and smile. I am needed and I need. I am
educated. I have succeeded and I have failed. I am creative and I
cherish life. I am a friend, a brother, a son, a father, a husband, and
I am a DOM.

Acid Test

2008-06-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

The "Acid Tests" guide for potential Dominants

(c)DrSpankenstein

*Introduction*

The term 'Acid Test' is an old prospecting term.. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the 'Acid Test' was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the 'fool's' variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Dom's.
Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Dom's online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after 'easy sex' and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Domme's out there.

*Step One: Do the Math*

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissive's at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Dom's outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means
that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: "When in doubt, throw it out!"

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That's hardly su rprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they 'vanilla' or otherwise. So don't be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don't give him 'three strikes' or 'extra chances to win.' Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

*Step Two: Know Your Enemy *

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG's (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don't bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and
submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he's not a Dom, he's not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don't (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissive's are simply 'easy lays.' Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn't deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives
with some casual screwing around. They target submissive's because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their 'scenes.'

HNG's are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the 'scenes' they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the 'lingo.' The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms 'playing' with their 'subbies.' Don't waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call 'controlling personalities.' They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say.
They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justif y their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissive's find themselves 'naturally' attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so 'in command' of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a
controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about 'taking care of you' and also 'knowing what's best for you.' They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the 'mental aspect' of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be 'quite right.' While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control f reak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their 'hooks' into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack
from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case.. If you know your partner well, you're more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during
that first scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a 'dom' you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don't go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play 'hard to get.'

*Step 3: Know your goal! *

Take the time to figure out what you want. It's often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do's and don'ts of meeting others and playing safely.. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep
in mind that that it's YOUR ass that's (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It's a very personal thing to you!

Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all t he time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It's a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the 'puzzle piece' that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don't look for a Dom that's exactly like you. You won't
find him. Don't look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn't exist.

ABOVE ALL, if you're prospective Dom seems like a generally 'nice guy' you're likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn't likely to make demands until its time to
play.

*Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests! *

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don't waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Dom's don't have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Dom's will say things like "please, call me Mike…"

Test #3: "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!

Test #5: "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! It's literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: "Its my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Dom's can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be 'dom' tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either.
Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it's ALWAYS LADY'S CHOICE!

Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says 'no,' run for your life! If he says, 'very rarely,' at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9: "I'm a bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn't it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, thinkabout this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control
person is really into D/s, he's likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10: "I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don't care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be 'very experienced.' Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG's have female screen-names set up to act as 'references' for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept.. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it's considered rude to talk to a guy's ex-girlfriend. But in the BDSM Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12: "I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a 'dom' has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!

Test #13: "I don't need safe words." Well of course he doesn't! If he said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really bee n in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14: "My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them." If you hear a "dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his 'slave' is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissive's in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

*Step 5: It's not just the men you have to screen! *

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Dom's to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG's who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of "female enemy" is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only "real
BDSM." They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.
Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It's not your job to save the
world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

*In Closing*

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick "cyber only" in your profile and forget real life BDSM? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like " sex magic," but now that I know the spells, I'm an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with
knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don't forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

*(c)DrSpankenstein@AOL.com*

Dominant Considerations

2008-06-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

Choices and Responsibilities
By NCMaster
There is an old saying that goes something like, “If you are going to talk the talk, you got to walk the walk.” There are many in this lifestyle that talk the talk, but how many follow through and walk the walk? Life is always about choices and responsibilities, both in the vanilla world and this lifestyle. The fun parts are always easy. The dominant and submissive alike, enjoy the power exchange during those times when it is fun. The sexual and BDSM interaction framed in the Dominant/submissive power exchange is very erotic and exhilarating. Wearing the fetish attire, attending lifestyle events, interacting with like minded people, all of these things are exciting, invigorating and just plain fun.

However, the real test of character and commitment comes more often away from the crowd. Those times when it is just you alone, or sometimes you and your partner, these are the times when commitment and choices become very real. As a dominant, do you step up and accept the responsibilities that come with being the dominant? Do you do those things that provide nourishment, support, and stability to the relationship? Does your dominance serve as a foundation that holds things together? Do the choices you make show a consistent value and judgment? Does each choice you make, reflect your commitment to the responsibilities a dominant has toward the partner? Do you manage your time and money responsibly? Do you treat those around you with respect and honor? Each individual choice, even the little choices, reflects on your position as dominant. Are you consistent in these decisions and choices and do these choices build character or erode it?

As a submissive, each individual choice you make is a choice of submission. Do you submit to your dominant fully, or just when it is fun? Do you submit to your dominant just when you agree with the things expected or is your submission complete? What is your commitment? Is your submission something you put on display when others are around or is your submission dedicated to the relationship? If you are given assignments that are designed for personal growth and stability of the relationship, do you follow through and do the assignment fully or do you pick and choose parts of the assignment? If a D/s relationship is to be both successful and true to the principles of this lifestyle, the dominant and submissive alike, must view each choice made each day as a measure of their dominance or submission. It is a measure of their commitment to the success of the relationship.

The most meaningful judgment of your personal choices and acceptance of responsibility comes from within. Each of us knows when we choose to do or not to do something whether or not it is the right choice, whether or not it is consistent with what we profess to be. The best judge of our actions quite simply is ourselves. Do you walk the walk?

2008-06-10T09:52:00.001-07:00

Slave Petitions

In my article “The Process Of Selection”, I have already proposed the similarities between finding or petitioning a Master, and finding or applying for job employment.

In “Slave Petitions”, I will further expounded on the concept of similarities of slave petitions, search for employment, and cover letters or resumes used for finding employment.

Without the consideration of the possibility, but not necessity or requirement of slavery, of romantic involvement with a potential Master, consensual slavery is not only like employment, it is indeed employment, that for most slaves is the biggest and most demanding job they ever held. Any desire of romantic involvement with ones potential Master is an added aspect, but does in no way negate the most applicable and fitting comparison with employment.

Many of the same etiquette, procedures and formalities used for finding employment, should therefore be applicable in finding a suitable Master as well, and that includes the use of common sense.

I am not aware that there is an universal protocol governing, “Slave Petitions”, Begging A Collar”, “Earning A Collar”, or “Offering A Collar”, nor is there an universal protocol governing who should ask who, and I am by no means the inventor of any of this terms, phrases or procedures.

A “Slave Petition” is a term descriptive of all procedures related to a slaves actions in order to find a suitable Master to serve, just as an application process or procedure when trying to find employment.

A “Slave Petition” may or may not start with a “cover letter”, a “resume”, may or may not continue with a “interview”, and may or may not lead to a slave “begging”, “earning”, or being “offered” a Masters collar.

A “Slave Petition” is, what a slave makes of it. The initial part of a “Slave Petition” such as a cover letter, resume or initial interview, is as little binding as sending a job application, cover letter or resume to a potential employer.

Once a stage is reached in which the slave is actually “begging” a Masters collar, or being “offered” a Masters collar, the slave needs to be aware that if a Master accepts a slaves “begging” of his collar, or if the slave accepts a “offered” collar, it was indeed the last free decision a slave will make, until such time that the slave is again set free and released by her Master, or until a slaves or Masters passing on.

As with everything else in life, there are always differing circumstances, different individuals, and differing situations, or special circumstances. Again, as with everything else in life, use your common sense and intuition.

For instance, if the potential Master and the slave already know each other, or have net before, there is no need of for a physical description, or a general introduction and cover letter. If a slave already knows a potential Master is indeed the Master she desires to serve then by all means, include that in your petition. Etc.

It is a common misconception in our lifestyle, that slave’s are to sit and wait for a Master to come around and court them. A misconception so big, that it leaves indeed many slave’s Masterless. It is indeed absolutely encouraged and well within the protocol that slaves initiate contact and may approach suitable and potential Masters and petition for service with them.

Once a slave has established what she has to offer to a Master as well as what she needs and desires in a Master, she is now ready to find and locate a suitable Master and petition for service to a potential Master.

For help with determining a slave’s needs and desires and the kind of Master who might be suitable for a slave please read the article “The Process Of Selection”.

A Slave petition is very similar to a Cover Letter that you would include with a Resume when applying for a job.

There are many websites on the internet that offer help with writing a Cover Letter or Resume, and most of their advise can very well be used and is applicable when writing a Slave Petition.

A Slave Petition should include your general experiences in the lifestyle. How long you have been in the lifestyle, how many Masters you have served, what the lifestyle means to you, etc. If you are a novice, don’t make experiences up, but admit freely and let the potential Master know. Most Masters do not mind training a novice slave.

Use proper address when addressing a potential Master and be most respectful and polite in the way you write your petition.

In general, as honesty is most important in our lifestyle, keep your petition honest, but sell yourself well. Remember you are petitioning to the potential Master because you would like or at least consider serving him. Be humble, but don’t lose the Masters interest by letting him know how unworthy you think you might be of serving him. Leave that judgment up to the Master.

A most important part of a Slave’s Petition is why you wish to serve the potential Master, what your desires are, and what motivates you in being a slave, and what you can offer the Master.

Include your most important characteristics like honesty, loyalty, devoted, caring, loving, obedient, etc. Let the potential Master also know you seek absolute enslavement, submission, etc. But be sure you have your wants and needs balance and know how to differentiate between the two.

Should you have any important restrictions, handicaps, health problems, limitations, or dependents like children living with you, or are able – unable to relocate, you should include that in your petition.

Also special talents that can benefit the Master, like excellent cook, great housekeeper, service-oriented, etc. also what kind of work can or do you do, should you be required to work outside the home.

Include special interests, like spirituality, fishing, reading, etc. especially if those are interests that also hold the potential Masters interest.

Unless you are looking for a commitment that is strictly based on play and scening, I would not go overboard with a list of BDSM related interests like Bondage, Flogging, Nipple Clamps, Being Serviced Orally, etc. Slavery is not based on play, and last not least, you are offering your service to a potential Master, and are not soliciting his services to service you.

I would strongly suggest you include a recent picture of yourself along with your petition.

I think you get the picture and can think of many more things that should find a Masters interest.

Above all, don’t be shy of petitioning once you have located a potential Master that you might want to serve. Don’t be afraid of rejection either. No Master will think badly of you, look down on you, or even laugh at you, for petitioning to him, if he accepts you in his service or not.

A most helpful article that will help many slaves and aspiring slaves to prepare for service to a Master is the article written by J. Mikael Togneri “Awaiting The One”

Once a mutual interest between the Master and the slave has been established, arrangements for a first interview or meeting can be made. An interview might take place via the internet in instant messenger, over the phone, or in person.

Whichever way such first and initial interview or meeting takes place, here are a few pointers and considerations.
I can however not over stress the fact that a slave needs to be aware that in Absolute Slavery, or Absolute and Total Power Exchange, the Master has the right to change, alter, or modify his service requirements and expectations, at any time, for any reason, and at the Masters sole discretion. A Masters values, character, principles, perceptions, etc. are therefore a most important consideration, as they do not change as easily as service requirements or kink.

Don't focus your energy and time on Doms or replies that are rude or stupid, or those completely unqualified. Don't even waste time complaining about it. Focus on what is important. And as you apparently have followed my writings, you should already know what is important.

Asking questions is very important. It will not only give you answers to your concerns, but also show the prospective Master your interest and sincerity. But do not fall into the trap of questioning the prospective Master, interrogate him or try to run the initial
interview. Don't overwhelm the prospective Master with questions either. You can and will learn much about the Master, his values and requirements by listening careful.

Do not focus on what a prospective Master can do for you, but focus on what you as a slave can do for the Master. If it is truly slavery that you need and desire, then being owned, completely, absolutely and unconditional, and given the chance and opportunity to serve and please a good Master, seems not only like a vast improvement and reward over not being owned, but should correspond very much with the detailed list of your needs and desires, that you have made.

Anyone wishing to use this article on their site or mailing list may do so as long as the article remains unchanged and my name and email address remain on them. Giving credit where it belongs. MasterEso@esodom.com

www.esodom.com

Promise

2008-05-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am a man. I stand between heaven and earth. My word is my promise to you.

I provide a safe place for you to relinquish your control, to provide a framework for you to be able to explore the depths of your submission.

I am half of a wheel, which I work daily to make stronger, to develop more completely, but at my best, I am only half a wheel without you, my compliment.

I do not seek to change who you are, but to help you to strip away the layers to become MORE of who you are.

I will guide you through a crucible of pain and pleasure and we will journey through it together to emerge on the other side as something more than we were before we began.

There may be things that I seek which you possess, but yourself are not aware of. And if they are there, then I will draw them out.

All that I can promise is to do my very best for you – even as I expect the very best that you have to offer.

copyright September.

Views on the Evolution of "Leather"

2007-11-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

Re: Your Views on the Evolution of "Leather" by Robert Guenther

(The following is a post by Mr. Guenther that we have been graciously given permission to reproduce. Links and references were not part of that post. Please bear that in mind as you read).

The discussions on whether "leather" is an appropriate term for what we do have been going on at least as long as I have been involved in the scene -- at least since the early 1970s, and probably longer. The people who oppose using "leather" usually take one or more of the following positions: they don't wear leather they don't find leather sexually interesting (it's not one of their fetishes) they don't ride a motorcycle And, in fact, the gay male BDSM community has always had a lot of participants who don't wear leather. And many (most?) straight BDSM practitioners don't wear leather either.

The discussions on whether "leather" is an appropriate term for what we do have been going on at least as long as I have been involved in the scene -- at least since the early 1970s, and probably longer.

The people who oppose using "leather" usually take one or more of the following positions: they don't wear leather they don't find leather sexually interesting (it's not one of their fetishes) they don't ride a motorcycle

And, in fact, the gay male BDSM community has always had a lot of participants who don't wear leather. And many (most?) straight BDSM practitioners don't wear leather either.

The association with leather comes from the motorcycle community (black leather) and the western/cowboy community (brown leather and, more recently brightly colored leathers).
http://www.cuirmale.nl/history/early.htm

Both were viewed as examples of rough, tough, masculine men in the 1950s and 1960s, which is probably what lead to the association of "leather" and "rough
sex."
By the 1970s, "leather" was a code word that could be used in public, mixed, non-sexual places to signal interest in "rough sex," including various forms of BDSM. (And only people who were in the know would understand the conversation if they overheard it.)

There were also code words for other forms of sexual activity that could be used in polite company and publications. I suspect very few people on this list would know what I mean when I say that I'm into French, Greek, and English cultures, but not Roman culture -- but that's how we phrased personal ads back in the 1970s.

http://www.cuirmale.nl/history/fetish.htm

In fact, many men into leather in the 1950s - 1970s didn't own much leather other than their belts and a pair of boots. (Leather clothing was expensive: adjusting for inflation a pair of leather pants in the 1970s cost the equivalent of $400 - $700 today.) Blue jeans (particularly button-fly Levi's) were the flagship article of clothing: they were worn by cowboys, farmers, blue-collar factory workers, and butch gay men (many of whom were doctors, lawyers, managers, and techies) on the prowl.

http://www.cuirmale.nl/history/meeting.htm

Since the 1970s, denim has become fashionable: since everyone wears it, wearing jeans is no longer an indicator of sexual tastes.

The growth in the leather scene since the 1970s has resulted in the fracturing of the community. The men interested in the cowboy/western milieu split off about 20 years ago to form the gay rodeo/line dancing/2-step/square dancing community. Although there's still a fair overlap in personnel with the leather community, most members of the country/western/rodeo community don't consider themselves leather. Only a few historians (myself and Joseph Bean to name two) still consider them part of the leather community.

http://www.cuirmale.nl/history/leatherbars.htm

(Vladislav Schwartz, a friend who died earlier this year once maintained that he got more and better BDSM activity at square dancing fly-ins than he got at leather events.)

Similarly, we now have gay motorcycle clubs (e.g., the various Rainbow Riders clubs) that do not consider themselves to be leather. And most of the heterosexual motorcycle clubs have never considered themselves leather.

http://www.cuirmale.nl/history/magazines.htm

Historically, there was little overlap in membership between the gay male motorcycle clubs of the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s with the gay male BDSM groups. By the time I became active in the club scene (the late 1970s), the gay male motorcycle clubs in the northeast were BDSM-friendly, but BDSM (and other kinky behavior) was not their major focus. But they were both "leather."

As the community has grown, we have recognized and named various specialties: Daddy/boy, rubber, puppy play, slave/master, uniform enthusiasts. And, yes, leather fetishists: people who enjoy wearing leather, and seeing other people wear leather, but who don't enjoy the more painful or role-playing activities.

I have no objection to referring to the people interested in BDSM and other kinky behaviors as the kinky or BDSM community. But when you do that, you have to realize that you're building a fence and excluding a lot of gay men who have historically been considered part of the leather community.

And just what is kinky anyway? Is a man (or woman) who enjoys dressing in a French maid's outfit part of the kinky community? What about dressing like a cowboy or indian and playing "cowboys and indians"? Does kinky require bondage? Pain? Role-playing? No matter what definition you pick, you're basically saying "These activities are kinky -- and are part of the community, and those aren't."

As long as you don't take "leather" literally, it is a neutral, non-judgemental term. You're leather if you say you are. So far, I haven't heard of any replacement term that doesn't require lots of explication -- usually missing -- and which doesn't involve personal value judgements.

Bob Guenther Wed Oct 17, 2007

The Four Joys of A Slave

2007-10-12T00:18:00.000-07:00

The Four Joys of a Slave

Master Petruchio

The Four Joys of a Slave are: to serve, to obey, to honor, and to protect, her master.

Collectively, the four joys describe the essence of a slave's devotion to her master. That is why they are called "joys" and not "duties."
For a true slave, performing these tasks each and every day is her primary means of pleasing her master -- thereby pleasing herself. More than anything else, performing the four joys will lead a slave to true, lasting, complete happiness and contentment.
Notice that the four joys do not include "to love." A slave is not expected or required to love her master; but in time if she practices the four joys fully and completely, she probably will grow to love her master deeply forever.

To Serve
To serve means that a slave will always anticipate her master's needs, wants, and commands prior to his communicating them; then, satisfying these fully before he asks or commands. The key concept here is that the slave actively ANTICIPATES. She learns his subtle, often non-verbal, preferences and desires.
She also looks after what she believes is best for her master's welfare and comfort. Serving may be as simple as watching that her master's glass is never empty at a party, or as difficult as welcoming another slave in their relationship.

To Obey
To obey means that a slave will always execute all of her master's commands and requests immediately and completely, to the best of her means and ability, even if she doesn't want to, without murmur or comment. A slave will never say no, or any similar word(s) or action(s) which may indicate refusal or possible non-cooperation.
If her master gives her a command which she believes the master might change if he knew some new information, she must give her master that information completely and immediately, even if it may hurt her. However, once the master considers this information and re-requests that the command be carried out anyway, she may only ask questions as to the hows.
Giving "input" and asking questions should NEVER be used to delay complying with her master's wishes.

To Honor
To honor means that a slave will always treat her master honorably in all her words, thoughts, and deeds. Most of all, a Master/slave relationship is based on honor, not on force.
Honor and lack of force are the primary reasons why a M/s is SO powerful, emotionally intense, and develops such great depth. A slave is "on her honor" to be all and do all as she swore this in her Oath of Fealty.
A master should never have to "check up" on his slave to see if she has complied with his commands. I NEVER will. If I feel a need to check up on a slave, the relationship is kaput anyway.
An honest mistake, such as forgetting as long as it doesn't happen often and does not suggest a pattern, will be dealt with in a supportive, nurturing way; however, intentional dishonor or disobedience ends the relationship.
A key example of a slave "honoring" her master involves always telling the truth. Telling the truth includes telling ALL the truth, including any information, which the slave thinks may be relevant and may affect the master's decision(s). A slave must ALWAYS tell the truth, particularly when the truth may cause her to be punished or be hurt.
If a slave should be punished, she should suggest an appropriate punishment (one which will correct her errant behavior from re-occurring, not just to get "even"). A slave also should automatically get the toy, which the master will need to punish her, e.g. a crop or paddle, if this is appropriate.
Punishment should always should be considered a great gift from her master as his punishment will help correct her misbehavior and help her to serve her master better in the future.

To Protect
To protect means that a slave will always shield her master from all damage, either from words, deeds, people, or things. She will do all in her power, except disobedience, to deflect or absorb damaging events, things, anything, which could hurt her master physically, mentally, or emotionally.
To protect her master also means to always give him wise advice (wise counsel) of what she believes is best for him -- without thinking about how this advice may affect herself or her relationship with her master.

If wish to send questions or comments to the author, you may write me at: master_petruchio@yahoo.com

Different

2007-08-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

Today we offer something a little different- mind candy images of what we love, slavery and devotion.

What women crave

2007-05-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

"I am afraid that women appreciate cruelty, downright cruely, more than anything else. They have wonderfully primitive instincts. We have anticiapted them, but they remain slaves looking for masters, all the same. They love being dominanted". Oscar Wilde

The psychology of why we submit, why we crave being used reaches into all the corners of possibility.
Freedom from choice.
Fear of abandonment.
Joy of service.
Self esteem issues.
Love of use.
Misplaced loyalties.
Supportive desires.

Every slave's needs are unique, every M/s coupling is a new mix of reason and logic and passion in the universe.

So Deep Within You

Essays on a life of P.E.
December 16th, 2006
by shadow

Master does lots of things that i do not necessarily either agree with, like, nor even feel particularly good about afterwards. This essay is one of them. i wouldn't normally write about something this personal, but this time, for whatever reason He has, He has ordered me to write about this experience- before i get to sleep tonight.
Right now, it hurts to talk. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to breath a certain way, it hurts to think about eating anything very solid. It hurts to remember.
It hurts to know He will do it again.
He likes breath play- that nasty kind, the kind where your windpipe is shut down, and gasping is hard.
He is careful enough to try to keep me undamaged, not only for my family, but because mostly He wants to play with His toys again.
But He knows that some of the ways we play are dangerous.

He found a better way-- a more painful way in it's own, and a way that gives Him more pleasure than i could imagine. Last night, He turned me over on my back, dropped my head slightly off the bed, and told me to suck His cock-- only he didn't really want that. He wanted to watch me suffer as He fucked me.
He isn't particularly oversized in girth or length. He's better endowed than many, but not elephant man status. He's something comfortable to take in the mouth for a while until He is hard, and something i have to work on with zeal, a bit to slide down and slip my lips over. Normally.
Last night wasn't normal. He forced my mouth wider, and pulled my arms out of the way and pushed PAST the back of my throat.
It cut off my air instantly. But worse, it pushed open my throat itself, hard, painfully stretching my throat open and wedging himself in the esophagus. This wasn't cock sucking, this wasn't taking Him in my mouth.
This was different.
I had *thought* about it sometimes, and i knew that people talked about it. But most of your great porn sites show standard cock suckers- upright face on her knees stuff, with half the guys dick still visible. Very few women talk about "deep throating". The old movie might have made it a publicly acceptable kink, but reality is, few women can do it at all, as they either just can't quit the gag reflex, or they just don't have mouths big enough.
As i said, this was different. This was scary. i was suddenly not just meat, i was unable to handle it. There wasn't just *no air* for a few seconds, there was huge pain and my entire throat was stuffed hard and still pushing in/down and i was trapped upside down under Him. And He didn't care if i was vomiting (and unable to even throw up- His entire dick blocked my throat) and screaming in my head, eyes tearing up and nose suddenly stuffy and such. My bladder wanted to get go, everything hurt so much.
There were demands He made- mostly to swallow. i remember that. Some i really don't remember. But swallow came through loud and clear. He said it hard- vicious. Hungry. It was impossible, there was no SPACE to even gag or flex my throat muscles, and my brain was screaming for air. He pushed, and for a moment the pain in my throat was immense.

Then He backed out. Rushing for air, gulping, wanting to sit up- and jammed back down, His cock pushing back in. He did that over and over-- taking me past some place where i thought i could "wait it out" until He came, or "stand it for a moment" as He pushed into my mouth. He kept finding that spot- that edge in my throat, at which i could still close off and breath, and the place past it-- and then pushing HARD down my throat, ripping the membranes, and my brain would suddenly panic and my hands push and scratch and jam themselves to get it OUT OF ME. Blurry eyes and tears, begging in my head that isn't getting out of my lips.
Sometimes, He let me. Some times, He didn't and i found a fear i haven't ever had with Him. In those moments, He reached down between His legs and cradled my head in His hands and PULLED my face up to His cock- It pummeled the curve of my throat and bashed deeper than anything i could have imagined, and i was pinned, held, forced to keep alive for more, more, more than i ever thought. There was panic, twisting that didn't help, lurching for air that wasn't there, yanking attempts that just made the fingers dig into my face and my neck deeper. Fear that He really was going to push until He was done, push until i was dead and He was done.
He doesn't find "done" easily. He can come- repeatedly- for upwards of an hour without going totally soft, and sometimes will hang at the edge for several minuets before allowing Himself to ejaculate at all. My brain was trying to keep me calm and relax the throat even as the throat was ripped and in pain and registering terror and no air and my whole stomach rolling over and over.
There were moments at it's worst, when He had His entire dick all the way down my face, stuffed down my throat, when my front teeth were embedded in the back of His dick. i remember thinking in that split moment as He FORCED so hard down me, that i must be cutting Him open. His balls were right there, at my nose, my front teeth being forced into the back of Him, and yet He grunted and enjoyed it even more. Holding my head, yanking me up to take him. i couldn't even bite, there was no room. NO swallowing, mouth filling with fluids and unable to breath and the unbearable wrenching of my throat muscles pulled past where they should be.
And through it all, there were gasps for seconds- and then no air.
No air. Dark and swirling fear and panic no air.
Painful hurting ripped open throat no air.
Even if i did NOT have an over developed gag reflex, my mouth- and all the parts- are too small. Dentists fight me. Never, ever in my life had i had my throat feel that way since they took out my tonsils (which i hear meant opening the muscles to over 4" in diameter)- and it took 2 weeks to recover from that. i was under anesthesia for that. This was face rape. He kept at me, His cock never leaving my mouth, even when He backed off to let me grab air around His dick and widen my mouth to try to pull in as much as i could. A stroke- a stroke for air and then back down into me.
i hated it. No, i didn't hate it. i hate no warm up. i hate raw fish. This, this was more horrible than anything i could imagine. He was too big, and too long, and it HURT. Hurt without air. Fear and pain and terror and being pinned under him with no way to even move. i was suddenly so scared, so blindly frightened and scared that i wanted to never never never see Him again.
Eventually, after about an hour, He pulled out (still hard as a rock- apparently He had been waiting to enjoy this kind of pain), and i found myself freaking, curling away, afraid and raw and unable to make a sound and feeling like my throat was bleeding, the air suddenly giving me pain in my chest as i sucked in HUGE gasps of it and tried to roll sideways, my hands around my throat.
He threw me around and flipped my legs up into the air to ream my asshole. i didn't care, i just held my throat with both hands and tried not to cry. Swallowing was like knives. Stabbing pain.
Eventually, i know He took me several more times, more places, but i wasn't paying much attention. Dinner burned (i had put on lamb skewers just before He had ordered me on my back on the bed). i was still panicked, still savoring each torn breath coming in, feeling air like i had never known it, and shaking uncontrollably. My tears were everywhere on me, my nose running and swollen, cum trailing out of me everywhere, but only the awful sore horrid cutting feeling with every breath registered for several more moments.
He ordered me off the bed, and i slid to the floor and crawled to the oven, still holding my neck. Scared of Him like i have never been before.
He was beaming. And telling me just how bad it would hurt for many days afterwards. And warning me not to try to talk. That warning was not needed. It was several hours before my vocal cords could make noises beyond squeaks and hoarse garbled rasps. And each time, it hurt like He was inside my throat again, swelling and tearing it open to slide inside me.
The sick part is, at the moment He let me live and pulled out of me, i was HIS. So totally committed that even tearing me open would have been wanted. He could have popped out my eyeball and fucked the socket in that moment. He had me pinned to Him like a butterfly on a mat.

Later, after dinner (cold soft berries feel good in those moments), He told me He enjoyed that. He liked to feel me panic and fight. He told me that now, i really did understand that i only breath at His pleasure. He owns the air as well.

For A.J. Dec. 16th, 2006

2007-05-16T13:29:00.001-07:00

Master A.J. (Strong Eagle), Tydomus, shadow and jazira are pleased to announce the official opening of the Santa Clara County MAsT chapter.

We are a pansexual organization dedicated to supporting, assisting, educating, and providing fellowship with those who seek to learn more about or celebrate the Master/slave dynamic in their lives.

We are an invitation only group, and encourage those who believe that they would benefit from our organization to contact Strong_Eagle@hotmail.com concerning membership.

Founded in May, 2007, we are a young new group and part of the 2007 reorganization as MAsT leadership moves from House Kepplar to the leadership of Master Conrad. We are thrilled to work with the steady and capable Masters and slaves that have gone before us in providing a place for us all to share, grow, and support each other.

AJ and shadow considered this honor for months before making the commitment to found a local chapter here in the South SF Bay area, and then waited for the Universe to guide them to Tydomus and jazira as the perfect co-directors in this venture. All of them are committed to the power exchange of M/s and the ideals of respect, trust, communication, service, and honor that have been traditionally associated with M/s within the "Old Guard" leather world they have been exposed to.

That ideal has led them to MAsT, and in turn, to share what they feel with others.

We hope that this is a learning haven, a social connection, and a supportive environment. We are *not* a dating service or a fundraising group nor politically involved to any degree. We are invitation only at this time, although we encourage those who are interested to contact us for more info.

Meetings are monthly on the first Sunday from 4 to 6 PM (subject to change by group caveat) in private homes. Directions will be sent to those who RSVP from the membership.

We ask that everyone bring a dish/drink to share and come with questions, possible topics for discussion, or interesting articles to share about the Power Exchange life choice.

For more information contact Strong_Eagle@hotmail.com or Tydomus@gmail.com

2007-04-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

***Off The Cuff***

What Safe Word?

By Guardian's Sugar
July 25, 2003

This position will not be popular with the masses, but
that's never stopped me before. I don't believe a safe word is a
mandatory aspect of a scene. In reality, many people play safely
without the use of safe words. I, for one, do not have the option
of using a safe word during play. Master has a safe word that he
uses when playing with others. But as his property, I do not have
the luxury of a safe word, even when playing with others under
Master's direction. I do not have the right to say no or even whoa
simply because I don't like where the scene is going or I don't want
the particular toy used on my delicate flesh.

I am not saying that I am not given the privilege of communication
with Master during a scene. There must always be communication
between Top and bottom, Master and slave, etc. But the only
occasions I call for Master during a scene are to alert him if my
physical or emotional welfare is in immediate danger of being
damaged. Not hurt, mind you, but harmed. There is a huge
difference between hurt and harm; living with a sadist will teach
you that difference very quickly.

Just because I don't believe safe words are mandatory doesn't mean
that submissives who use a safe word aren't "true lifestylers."
That's just rubbish. I am not a proponent of the arbitrary removal
of safe words during play. Safe words are necessary, especially
when playing with someone you don't know or don't know well. (Of
course, a safe word is only as trustworthy as the Top who must
adhere to its use but that's another article.) In fact, I was given
the privilege of a safe word in the beginning of my relationship
with Master. At the time, it was necessary for Master and me to
have a form of communication that did not require a lot of thought
on my part or deciphering skills on Master's part. It was quite
simple. Master's safe word is Guardian; once you call Guardian, you
have one minute to communicate the problem at hand and decide
whether you want the scene to continue or end. I know many that
communicate the same needs during a scene with the color system,
red, yellow and green.

I have read and heard many differing opinions on the purposes and
use of safe words. Recently I read an article with the explanation
that safe words were to be used by the bottom during a scene if they
didn't like the play or were just tired. I wholeheartedly disagree
with that premise but I also know many that don't take sugar in
their tea, so to each his own. Still, when the option of using a
safe word existed for me it was never to be used so lightly. It is
my opinion that anyone who uses a safe word during a scene for
reasons other than safety is simply topping from the bottom.

I understand the incorporation of safe words during play. I
realize this was a safety net put in place to protect both
submissive and dominant alike. However, as Master's slave there is
no longer any valid motivation for my use of a safe word. Let's be
realistic, if I cannot trust him with my life during a scene then I
have no business entrusting my entire life to him on a daily basis.
There is another compelling factor for the removal of that safety
net during play; as Master's property, I no longer have the option
of consenting to or denying consent for anything Master chooses to
do to me. I had the option of consent when I was his submissive,
but as a slave, I have chosen the life of consensual non-consent and
absolute surrender.

In short, safe words may be necessary for some during play; but as
Master's slave, safe words are not an option in my life. I am,
nonetheless, responsible to communicate something to Master he may
not be aware of, but is then his decision how best to handle the
situation. The duration and intensity of a scene is never my
decision. I am as much his toy as the floggers or knives he uses
during play. Has there ever been a time when I wanted to tell Master
to put his flogger down and back away slowly? Of course! There have
been many times I thought Master was going to break his most prized
possession€ ¦’¥me. And although I have felt at the breaking point many
times during a scene with my sadistic Master, I have never stepped
out of my mind to beg a scene's end. I am always greatly rewarded
for my definitive trust by the knowledge that I have put my trust in
a Master who pushes my limits but never goes beyond what I can
ultimately handle at that moment. My choices are not for everyone,
but as I've said before. "I wouldn't trade my relationship with
Master for an unlimited platinum credit card." Anyone who knows me
well knows the magnitude of that statement.

As Always, thank you for taking time out of your day to spend with
me.

Master Guardian's Sugar
"Off The Cuff"

Copyright 2003 Master Guardian's Sugar

A submissive's Bill of Rights

2007-03-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

A submissive's Bill of Rights

You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you have this
right, you have the right to demand it. Being submissive does not make
you a doormat or less of a person than anyone else. The word
"submissive" describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a
human being. You have the right to respect yourself as well.

You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is
nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your
submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and
happiness.

You have the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make you
feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on
the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you should feel safe or
there can never be true surrender.

You have the right to your emotions and feelings. Your emotions and
feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone else's. You
have a right to them. Those feelings, whether positive or negative, make
you who you are and suppressing them will only bring unhappiness later.

You have the right to express your negative feelings. Being submissive
does not make you an object that no longer has negative thoughts or
concerns.Your concerns are real and you have every right to express
them. If something doesn't feel right, bothers you, makes you feel bad
or you just plain don't like something, say so. Failing to express your
negative feelings could give the mistaken impression that you are
pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or
agreeable.

You have the right to say NO. Being submissive does not take away your
right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. If something
is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it's
your duty to speak up. Remember, failing to communicate the word NO is
the same as saying YES.

You have the right to expect happiness in life. Being submissive is not
tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of despair. Your
submission should bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. If it doesn't,
then something is wrong.

You have the right to have input in a relationship. You are an active
partner in any relationship you enter and have every right to contribute
to it. You are submissive, not passive. A relationship that doesn't
include your needs, thoughts, hopes and desires is not one you should be
in to begin with. This applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s
relationships.

You have the right to belong. Being submissive greatly involves the
feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that it was in
discovering their submissive nature that they felt as through they
"belonged" for the first time in their lives. You belong to the
lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It's in that
relationship you should find the final fulfillment of "belonging" at
last.

You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you that
love doesn't fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the
fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and
needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of
their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so
don't settle for less.

You have the right to be healthy. Health involves your physical, mental
and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or otherwise, that
causes you to suffer physically, mentally or emotionally, beyond your
limits, is abuse. There is no place for abusive behavior in a D/s
relationship and it's up to you to make sure those lines are not
crossed.

Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or injure you
in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if you should
encounter such a situation but you are the one who has to make them
aware before they can help.

You have the right to practice safe sex. Not only is this a right, it's
a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with at a later
date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached epidemic proportions
and must be a concern to any sexually active person. Safe Sex is
something you have the right to insist upon and protecting yourself
should never be discouraged by anyone who really has your best interests
at heart.

author unknown

2007-03-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

Obedience, Happiness, and the Need to Serve

by OperaShade

The word "obedience" used to leave a bad taste in my mouth, in part because American culture conditioned me to value independence and personal freedom above almost everything else, and in part because I had practically no conscious understanding of what it meant in terms of submission. It brought me pleasure to make my Dom happy, but I was not, as he put it, "eager to please". I was willing to serve him and had given him my meta-consent, but I found nothing erotic about it in and of itself. To this day I still do not fully understand the
process that changed my willingness to serve into a need to serve him - it was, in fact, the last thing I ever expected; I didn't think I was capable of it.

I may not understand the 'how' of it, but I can elaborate on the 'what'. There was a gradual shift in what I wanted out of the relationship; like most people, I had a conscious desire to be made happy by my partner. I was still expecting certain things out of my dom, in the same way that vanilla partners expect birthday presents or orgasms from each other. I was still wanting him to do things for me, and still expressing those desires.

I gradually became aware of the idea that maybe I didn't have to tell him specifically what I wanted and when I wanted it - he probably already knew, and if he didn't, he would surely inquire. And along with this idea came another - that there was no real need for me to expect him to please me - that maybe, if this guy really was all I thought he was, he was perfectly capable and willing to look after my happiness without any guidence from me. Those two ideas spawned a third: if I put aside my own concerns for my happiness, I could focus entirely on him, knowing that he would be keeping my well-being in mind. I could forget about myself and turn all of my attention to pleasing him. It was a way to surrender another portion of control, a way to give him more of myself. It felt appealing, it felt right, it felt like a natural extension of the power exchange that was already in place.

Pleasing a Dom can incorporate vanilla stuff like cooking them a lavish meal or waiting on them hand and foot, but it can exist on a much deeper level: it can mean obeying them simply for the sake of obedience. It is not simply a matter of enjoying being told what to do-- there are some subs who like that but who are uninterested in the other aspects of total submission and surrender. It is a state in which your obedience is a source of pride and pleasure for yourself and your Dom. It is going beyond the mode of "How can I serve you now?" and into the realm of "My obedience to you matters more to me than anything else; you can test it all you want, and I will prove it to you again and again and again, because I am your slave and that is who I want to be."

To give a hypothetical example - if my Master told me to go stand outside without a coat on in a cold rain, I'd do it without a second thought (aside: this is more likely to be a play punishment than an instance of real punishment, there's more on that further down). So it's cold and wet, whoopee - I don't care. I'd stand there being cold and wet and pleased with myself that I obeyed, because I know he's pleased with me. If the phone rings and he goes into the other room to answer it, and then forgets about me for some period of time, I'll merrily stand there shivering. I'll stand there for hours if I must. If I were to become hypothermic, I'd tell him. If I were to become dangerously hypothermic, I'd use the safeword; If I couldn't find him, I'd do the smart thing he'd expect me to do - get myself inside, dry off, and warm up.

There is a good example of this kind of obedience towards the end of the movie Secretary (spoiler warning for this paragraph), though it can be construed as an example of real punishment as well, due to the conflict between the two characters at the time. When Edward tells Hathoway to put her hands on the desk and her feet on the floor and then storms out, she doggedly persists in obeying him even though he doesn't return for a few days! Even when someone physically removes her from the desk, she struggles out of his grasp and returns immediately. She is obviously miserable, and yet obviously hell-bent on obeying Edward, who watches unseen from the window, pleased and touched by her devotion.

It seems to be a viscious cycle of the good sort. I know that when I walk into my Master's home, he might just tell me to strip right then and there, perhaps without bothering to close the front door first... and I know I will obey him, even if I'm balancing a stack of books in my hands, even if I'm cranky, even if I'm just not in the mood. I know he can whisper a single word in my ear in public, and my conditioned response will be immediate arousal, whether I want it or not. I know he can forbid me from eating anything but oatmeal, rice, and fish for a week - and I will not only obey him, I will accept this restriction on my freedom and take pleasure in the opportunity to demonstrate my obedience even if I dislike the command. These demonstrations of control.... even thinking about how much control he has over me (how much control I have given him),
about how willing I am to obey... they are arousing in and of themselves - which is positive reinforcement for those behaviors.

OperaShade

2007-02-26T15:05:00.001-08:00

The Colonel's
Top Ten Rights of a Dominant

It was a cold day in the city of Cheyenne as I wrote this, thinkin' about screamer asking me what rights a Dominant has to their respective subbie.

First a couple of things (That's right disclaimer time):

#1 - This is strictly My opinion. If it offends you, don't get crabby with screamer. You can E-mail those kind of comments to me at Colonel@Get_Bent.com.

#2 - Dominance and submission is like religion - everyone has their own interpretation. You have formed, or are forming your own version, and this is Mine. It doesn't matter if it doesn't fit with your own personal tastes, you should always respect other peoples views, or at the very least look at them with an open mind. Live and let live - we are all a little whacko in our own way.

#3 - This is not meant to be gender-specific. I am a Man so, I write from a male point of view. Also this keeps Me off any Domme shit-lists

#4 - And finally, I am not Dominant from any "Macho-Male-Superior-Bullshit" It is my nature that makes me Dominant, nothing else. I am Not better than a submissive, nor am I inferior. I have my strengths and as do submissives, each in our own way. My strengths are also different from other Dominants, as are the requirements that I have for My submissive as opposed to those of another Dom/me.

With that outta the way, you are probubly (Yes, I do spell things funny) wondering just who in da hell is this "Colonel" guy?

Mostly, I'm a pervert (What? you were expecting RossPerot in a tutu?).

I'm a Dominant/Two-time-combat-vet/Black belt/Bull-dog-Philosopher/Wiccan/Bambi-eatin'/Skinny/Old/Smart-assed/Bow-legged/Classically-curved (Not-BENT screamer)/subbie-lovin'/Jack-of-all-trades kinda guy. Whew, say That three times fast!
I've been into D/s for a several years. It started out, as bein' asked to spank a girlfriend here, tie-up a girlfriend there, and I liked that it a LOT. Then I got on AOL and found a whole culture where I could really be my perverted little self. I began reading, learning and growing, but eventually those expensive Visa bills forced me onto the Internet for good.
So, in my humble (Yeah, me humble? not likely!) OPINION, here are what I believe are the "Top Ten Rights of a Dominant" (Pun intended) in no particular order of importance. They are all important.

1. A Dom/me has the right to absolute honesty from the submissive.

2. A Dom/me has the right to as much clear communication as the submissive can give.

3. A Dom/me has the right to be told All of the submissives' needs/desires.

4. A Dom/me has the right to be told the submissives' secret dreams.

5. A Dom/me has the right to be wrong, as long as it doesn't compromise the submissives' safety. (That's how we learn to get better)

6. A Dom/me has the right to safety as much as any subbie does.

7. A Dom/me has the right to experiment with ideas in a scene negotiation.

8. A Dom/me has the right to be silly.

9. A Dom/me has the right to call a safe-word.

10. A Dom/me has the right to Love the submissive for who they are, not who they wish to be for the Dom/me.

That's about it, if you have any questions then by all means E-mail screamer for the technical/safety/what the hell did he mean by that kinda stuff.

Last of all, are my own silly quotes (Yeah, copyrighted and stuff):
"An equivacation is a booger on the face of truth!"
"Validity has nothing to do with the truth."
"And the worse thing that can happen, is the answer to his prayers." O.k. I stole this one from a "Love and Money" C.D.
Copyright 1996 The Colonel

2007-02-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

:: Sunday, June 22, 2003 ::

It's only pain...

i am not a masochist. People always seem surprised when i say that, as if being a slave is all or only about SM. The truth is, being a slave is only seldom about SM, and mostly is about a whole lot of other things.

But i do take a hell of a beating.

Confused? Join the crowd. Let me try to explain. For me, a masochist is someone who derives physical pleasure (usually sexual/erotic) from receiving pain. i don't. Oh, i like my sex a little rough as much as the next person -- maybe more than the average next person -- but do i get aroused or wet from a flogging or caning or paddling? No. Hence, my statement that i am not a masochist.

But i do take a hell of a beating.

If you read Master Jim's post below, you know that His SM work is important to Him. You'll just have to take me at my word when i tell you that when Master Jim engages in SM work, He works hard. His preferred means of working are heavy floggings and body punching on the back, shoulders and arms. For variety, He also utilizes temporary piercing and cutting. When He works, it hurts.

So why do i do it? Well, i could answer with the obvious -- i'm a slave, and i don't have the option of saying no. And that's true. But the deeper reason is this: taking pain from Him is service. It is an honor to be the vehicle through which He chooses to explore Himself and me. As Master Jim said, this is a part of our Master/slave journey.

When you aren't a masochist and you're required to take pain, fear looms large in your mind. You know those endorphins everyone talks about aren't really going to help you out all that much. A hard cock or wet pussy isn't going to distract you from the fact that someone is hitting you, hard. It's a scary place. i've found that if i let the fear take control, it hurts much more. So, i've looked for ways to control the fear... and one way that works for me is to recite a mantra. One that i often use goes like this:

i call on the spirits of the slaves before me to give me courage...
i call on the spirits of the slaves before me to give me strength...
i call on the spirits of the slaves before me to give me endurance...
i call on the spirits of the slaves before me to give me grace.

Over and over i say it, as the blows fall. In it, i find peace and the ability to serve.

Sometimes, i use this one:

The pain is only a reminder.
The pain does not own me.
The pain does not control me.
The pain is only a reminder.
Of His ownership and control.

That's what it's all about for me. The pain is not an end in itself, but rather is a means to an end. A reminder that Master Jim is my Master and Owner. That i have given up control, even the right to say no to things that hurt. And it is service, to Him.

Yes, i do take a hell of a beating.

my pleasure to serve, Sir.

--slave marsha
:: 12:31 PM [+] ::
(marsha has given permission to repost her writings but we encourage you to visit her web page at: http://edgeliving.blogspot.com/

2007-02-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

Why are you a "master?"

by "Conrad" (as posted in an on line discussion group- used with permission).

I was recently asked the question: why do you call yourself a Master?

Now, in order to preserve my sterling reputation as an “unquestioned master”
(sort of like a “true master” - see discussion below) and put at ease anyone
with images of the question arising in some sort of confrontation, I ought
to be clear this was asked to me in a rhetorical setting. The question was
asked respectfully and was not intended to (and did not) occasion a defense
response. The question was not even bellicose enough to be called Socratic
in its approach. It was simply someone asking me my basic philosophy on
the question of what makes a master.

Given the seriousness and respect with which the question was asked, I chose
to not go with the answer that popped right into my head: “because my slave
says so.” This is not to say that the answer is not that simple, it is. But
rather that it is so counter-intuitive that (combined with its brevity) it
looks like I am being flip and not taking the question seriously

What kind of “true master” would say he or she is a master simply because
someone else, let alone a "lowly slave," says so? (Incidentally, in my not
entirely humble opinion, any master who really thinks of their slave as
“lowly” ought to get their head examined; but that is the subject for a
different discussion (and indeed, a big part of the subject of the
“Warrior/slave Paradigm” presentation I offer with my not-so-lowly slave
Cat.)

Anyway, as is my habit, I have digressed. Before we go too much further I
think it might be helpful to talk about a few terms we toss about in the
lifestyle.

There is a practice among the kink community of grouping tops, dominants and
masters all into the same group simply at different points in a "dominance
continuum." And likewise grouping all bottoms, submissives and slaves into
one general “submissive continuum.” In this view, bottoms are merely viewed
as “less submissive submissives” and slaves as “more submissive
submissives.” Likewise, tops are thought of as “less dominant dominants” or
in some other way not choosing to exercise as much dominance over others and
a master is thought of as some sort of “uber dominant” or, at least, in some
way a dominant who chooses to exercise a larger amount of dominance over
others.

This idea of a master as a “really dominanting dominant” is fostered on the
one hand by some of the other definitions of the words “master” out there
which denote some higher level of skill or competence (e.g. a master
carpenter). On the other hand the idea of the master as “uber dominant” is
further strengthened by models taken from science fiction and crappy
Internet stories where a “true master” is some sort of special creature of
power that all true submissives feel drawn to kneel before.
By this point I suspect my disagreement with this model is clear to most
readers.

Topping and bottoming is what we do. It is the physical act. While we
often (erroneously) seem to believe that “topping” someone else implies some
form of dominance over them, that just ain’t so. There is not a single
non-insertable SM tool type I own or use on bottoms in play scenes that I
have not had used on me before using it on another; that includes canes,
single tails, oils and ointments with irritants and heating agents, ropes
and pretty much anything you can think of. I cannot honestly say I enjoyed
any of them. I cannot even honestly say I entered that mythic and magic
realm of “subspace.” But I can say that as a responsible top I had
everything I use on others used on me enough so I am familiar with their
effect from both sides of the tool.

That means I have bottomed. It means I have engaged in a physical act,
nothing more, nothing less.

Yet I do not choose to define myself by this physical act, I do not choose
call myself a top or a bottom beyond the purely descriptive use of the term
to describe an immediate and transitory status.

As an example, lots of people run recreationally. Some of them have decided
to self-identify as a “runner” or a “jogger.” Nothing wrong with that, just
like there is nothing wrong with a motorcycle rider calling themselves a
“rider” or someone who flies planes calling themselves a "pilot."

Me, I might describe myself as a “top” within the context of a scene. Just
like I might be called a “rider” when planning a motorcycle run or a
“judoka” when at a judo tournament. Yet in a global sense, I choose to not
define myself by a transitory act in which I sometimes engage.

Dominance, like submission, strikes me as a reactive state. It goes up or
down depending upon a host of contextual factors. There are certain
situations which tend to draw dominance from us and certain people and
certain memories and even, I am sure, phases of the moon. Sometimes we are
less dominant, sometimes more. Same goes for submission.

Now, no offense intended here, but anyone who thinks they are always
dominant, all the time, in all situations, with all other people, is a
complete idiot. Ah, actually, go ahead and be offended if you choose. If
you are offended it is probably because you are one of the idiots I am
talking about. As this kind of idiocy (someone saying they are always
dominant) usually goes hand in hand with the idiocy of thinking they need to
act like a jerk to be dominant, I cannot say I care too much if that sort of
idiot is offended.

I deal with more than my fair share of hard cases in my professional career.
Many of these folks have already been to prison. What I can say is that
without fail, no matter how (in a vanilla sense) dominant these hard cases
thought they were before getting to prison, within seconds of getting there
they learned that there are certain situations which tend to place one’s
dominance on a low ebb.

What I hear when someone labels themselves as a “dominant,” is that they are
saying they are dominant with most of the people (in the lifestyle), most of
the time, in most situations (or at least they want others to think that of
them).

Now one can define themselves globally by a feeling. I know people who
describe themselves as “a happy person” for example. I also know seven
vertically challenged communally residing miners who have went so far as to
name themselves after emotional states. If someone wants to globally define
themselves by a passing emotion, more power to them. Me, I no more want to
self-identify as “Grumpy Dwarf” or “Bashful Dwarf” than I want to
self-identify myself as “Dominant Dwarf” or even “a dominant.”

So what is a “master?” What defines a master if it is not being a "top" and
not being a "dominant?" First let’s dispense with the “true master” or “real
master” crap. There is no such animal. I am not a big fan of Plato’s
idealized Forms; I do not believe there is some “essence of pure master”
floating around out there. Further, notwithstanding, the fact I own and
have read every one of John Lange’s books (something I do not often admit
actually) , I do not adhere to any “Gorean” philosophy that all one needs to
do to be a master is proclaim oneself a master and start acting bossy.

What I believe is that mastery is a life’s path, a calling, and a sacred
obligation. I also believe it is a job title. It is a job whose duties and
responsibilities are predicated upon a relationship, that of master to their
slave. It is unique and individualistic.

That is the reason I answered the question “why do I call myself a master?”
with “because my slave says so.” At root the Master/slave dynamic is
idiosyncratic, individualistic and relationship dependent. I do not fit
into some mold of “true master” or “real master.” Instead my job of master
is defined by the consensual and mutually agreed upon relationship I have
with my owned property.

In thinking about it, perhaps a better answer to “why do I call myself a
master” is “I don’t.”
I consider myself a strong, capable, powerful man who is called to mastery,
at least philosophically, I am most often a top (except when learning a new
skill), most often dominant with others and a master to my slave, but I do
not consider myself globally a master.

This is not to say that someone called to the path of mastery, someone who
is well suited to be a master, ought not to be recognized for those traits
and that calling. I believe mastery is a life's path which one pursues
whether one is in a current Master/slave relationship or not. However, I do
not consider myself a "Master" in isolation from my role as master of my
slave.

In my view this is not some sort of sex game or roleplay: a slave is truly
owned by a master. That ownership, that control, is achieved not through the
force of law or religious or social pressures but through the ability to
guide, lead and inspire loyalty in the owned slave. That requires a deep
personal knowledge and connection which makes this sort of relationship the
most deeply personal and intimate which exists in the modern western world.

As my mastery of a particular slave depends not upon the force of outside
coercion but instead upon inner persuasion and emotional compulsion, the
"realness" of that mastery is relationship dependent. Thus, while I can I am
"called to the path of mastery" or feel I must seek out a Master/slave life,
I do not feel I ought to describe myself globally as "a master." Indeed,
describing oneself globally as “a master” seems to me to miss the entire
point to a long term, explicitly structured, power exchange relationship
(i.e. M/s relationships)..

Contact Conrad at: mconlv@hotmail.com